# Lets hear some jokes



## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

Fat chicks are like scooters, there all fun and games until your friends catch you riding one.


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## Plowboy (Apr 9, 2008)

captian hook died of jock itch.


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## scent troll (Apr 4, 2005)

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A girl goes into the grocery store and does her shopping for breakfast foods. She gets eggs, bacon, muffins, and milk. She takes her cart to the aisle and starts unloading her cart onto the belt. The cashier looks at her and the food, "hmm eggs, bacon, muffins & milk. you must be single" The girl is amazed at how the cashier knew this just seeing all the food she purchased and asks "How do you know?"..... "CAUSE YOU'RE UGLY AS f*ck!"


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

^^^^ lol thats just mean!


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## TobiasRieper (Mar 14, 2008)

A little boy walks in on his mum having a shower, he stands and stares at her. "Whats that?" he says, pointing to her crotch.

Embaressed and not wanting to talk about the birds and the bees just yet she replies "Oh, err thats where daddy hit me with an axe."
________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________

A man walks into a chemists, and says 'i need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter'. the chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries 'your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?'. The man thinks for a moment then replies...

'not really, she just lies there like her mother'


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## notaverage (Sep 10, 2005)

1st on eI didnt get at all 2nd one was pretty sick.


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## beercandan (Nov 3, 2004)

wow, started off good then totally bombed to disturbingly wrong


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella????

For the drizzle, my nizzles!


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

What's the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants

...Because his pecker is on his head!


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## KumbiaQueens (Feb 5, 2003)

Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''


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## Piranha Dan (Nov 11, 2007)

Pierre The French Fighter Pilot
(Sounds best if you do the guys voice with a French accent)
Pierre The French Fighter Pilot took his girlfriend to the park for a picnic. After a delicious lunch, they started getting busy.
The girlfriend looked deep into Pierre's eyes and said "Oh Pierre, kiss me!".
Pierre reached into the picnic basket, pulled out a bottle of red wine, splashed some of it on her lips, and kissed her passionately
Suprised, she asked, "Oh Pierre, why the wine?"
Pierre replied "Because I am Pierre, Ze French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat, I must have red wine!"
For some reason this turned her on, so she ripped open her blouse, exposing a beautiful set of DD's. She looked into Pierre's eyes again and said "Oh Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre reached into the picnic basket, pulled out a bottle of white wine, doused her tits with it and buries his face in them.
Moaning in estacy, the girlfriend asked again "Oh Pierre, why the wine?"
Pierre replied "Because I am Pierre, Ze French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I must have white wine!"
The girlfriend, more aroused then she'd ever been in her life, ripped off her skirt, slid her panties down to her ankles, laid back, and moaned, "Oh Pierre, kiss me lower!".
Pierre picked up the bottle of red wine again, poured the remainder of it on her crotch, then pulled out his zippo and lit the chicks crotch on fire. She jumped up, screaming her head off, and started running around in circles, desperatly batting at her crotch to extinguish the flames. She looked at Pierre, and screamed "Why Pierre?!!? WHY!?!"
"Pierre shrugged and replied "Because I am Pierre, ze French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"


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## TobiasRieper (Mar 14, 2008)

:laugh:


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## mike123 (Jul 17, 2006)

whats the difference between a priest and acne?

acne doesnt come on a kids face til he's 13


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## Guest (Nov 30, 2008)

Q: What do you call a Hajii with a goat and a sheep?

A: A bi-sexual!


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## Pit_man (Sep 13, 2008)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. 
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. 
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. 
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' 
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' 
The cab driver hit a parked car.


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## TheWayThingsR (Jan 4, 2007)

A baby seal walked into a club.....


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? 
Melt them, turn them into a tire and call it a goodyear.



TheWayThingsR said:


> A baby seal walked into a club.....


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## TheWayThingsR (Jan 4, 2007)

two men walked into a bar..... the third one ducked....

A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walked into a bar...... Yup it's one person.


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. 
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so. 
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you." 
He replies "BREASTS?"


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## beercandan (Nov 3, 2004)

funny sh*t pitman, at first thought you telling a story


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## Pit_man (Sep 13, 2008)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. 
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. 
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


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## khmerboiRED (Jul 15, 2008)

Two ******** brother and sister are having sex. Sister starts giggling and the brother asks "WTF are you laughing at?" The sister goes "Oh nothing, you just fu*K like dad." Brother goes, "Oh i know, mom told me."


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## TobiasRieper (Mar 14, 2008)

khmerboiRED said:


> Two ******** brother and sister are having sex. Sister starts giggling and the brother asks "WTF are you laughing at?" The sister goes "Oh nothing, you just fu*K like dad." Brother goes, "Oh i know, mom told me."


LMAO im tellin that one around the camp fire lol


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## khmerboiRED (Jul 15, 2008)

TobiasRieper said:


> Two ******** brother and sister are having sex. Sister starts giggling and the brother asks "WTF are you laughing at?" The sister goes "Oh nothing, you just fu*K like dad." Brother goes, "Oh i know, mom told me."


LMAO im tellin that one around the camp fire lol
[/quote]

Like that one huh? =D


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

TheWayThingsR said:


> A baby seal walked into a club.....











this thread just made my day. 
gotta think of one.

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...........

Wanna ride bikes?


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## baddfish (Feb 7, 2003)

2 guys are walking through an alley after a night of heavy drinking. Along side a garage door was a dog laying down while licking its nuts. 1 guy turned and looked at the other, 'hey, i wish i could do that'. The other responded, 'better pet him first and make sure he's friendly'.









Man walks into a bar and orders a shot and a bear. He notices a Gorilla sitting at the end of the bar. Hey, whats up with the ape at the end of the bar. Bar tender grabs a baseball bat from behind the bar, approaches the Gorilla and 'WHAM'. Cracks the ape behind the head causing it to drop to its knees. Bar tender drops his pants and puts it right in the apes mouth. After a few minutes, bar tender says hey, want to give this a try? Man says sure. Just dont hit me in the head so hard!


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## Scrappy (Oct 21, 2004)

Heard this one on the radio the other day....

Why doesn't Hitler drink?

It makes him mean.


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## Devon Amazon (Apr 3, 2005)

Whats the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bath?

A nun in church has a soul full of hope

A nun in the bath has a hole full of soap


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

baddfish said:


> 2 guys are walking through an alley after a night of heavy drinking. Along side a garage door was a dog laying down while licking its nuts. 1 guy turned and looked at the other, 'hey, i wish i could do that'. The other responded, 'better pet him first and make sure he's friendly'.


 lol


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## eatrfood (Nov 30, 2008)

What do you get the girl that has everything -

a shot of penicillin


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## eatrfood (Nov 30, 2008)

Ok this one is disgusting

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players shower after three periods.


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## Piranha Dan (Nov 11, 2007)

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel jammed in his groin. The bartender asks "Hey, what's up with the wheel?".
The pirate replies "ARR It's drivin' me nuts!"
____________

Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a monkey sitting on the end of the bar and asks the bartender "What's up with the monkey?".
The bartender replies "He belongs to the piano player. Cute little fella huh?"
The guy smiles, nods, and goes back to his drink. A few minutes later the monkey stands up, walks down the bar to where the guy is sitting, and urinates in the guys glass. Furious, the guy gets up, walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer!?!"
The piano player replies "No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it."


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## beercandan (Nov 3, 2004)

one day a man was out fishing and saw a pirate he thought he'd ask him a couple of questions:

man- how did you lose your leg?

pirate- shark bit it off when i fell overboard

man- and how did you get that hook?

pirate- got it cut off in a sword fight

man- what about that eye patch, how did that happen?

pirate- bird sh*t in my eye


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## TobiasRieper (Mar 14, 2008)

eatrfood said:


> Ok this one is disgusting
> 
> What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
> 
> Hockey players shower after three periods.


LOL thats a good one :laugh:


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## mao10 (Nov 25, 2008)

why is santa always so jolly???

He knows where all the naughty girls live...


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.

He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell."

The worker agreed - not like he could do anything else - and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?"

So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."

Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."

God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."

Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"


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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

^^^I don't know....


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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

need_redz said:


> ^^^I don't know....


because he's dead.







gets me every time.


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

You Must Be A ******* If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."









* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.









* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! 
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


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## TobiasRieper (Mar 14, 2008)

Exellent!!! Im doing that to my gf next time she cooks me breakfast


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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

Nick G said:


> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> 
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> ...


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## Pit_man (Sep 13, 2008)

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.


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## notaverage (Sep 10, 2005)

Nick G said:


> Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
> 
> His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.
> 
> ...


another great one!!


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. 
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK 
old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have 
the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the 
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when 
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and -BOOM - 
He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster
I bought this month."


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## Pit_man (Sep 13, 2008)

The Welfare Check 
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
> > check. He marched
> > straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I
> > just HATE drawing
> > welfare. 
> > I'd really rather have a job.' 
> > 
> > The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing
> > is excellent. We
> > just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
> > wants a chauffeur and
> > bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
> > drive around in his
> > Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. 
> > Because of the long hours,
> > meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort
> > the daughter on her
> > overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her
> > sexual urges.
> > You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
> > garage. The salary is
> > $200,000 a year.'
> > 
> > The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullsh*ttin'
> > me!' 
> > 
> > 
> > The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . You started it.


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## FEEFA (Nov 19, 2007)

What do you call a masterbating chicken?

"Jerk chick-on mon"


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## beercandan (Nov 3, 2004)

Feefa said:


> What do you call a masterbating chicken?
> 
> "Jerk chick-on mon"


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

A black guy, white guy, mexican guy, and a chinese guy are on a mountain.

The chinese guy jumps and yells THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE

The mexican guy jumps and yells THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE

Then the black guy throws the white guy off annd yells this is for my people

ahaha LAme f*ck it shaq roast


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## [email protected]° (Jun 16, 2004)

A guy is sitting at the having a beer when this drunk guy comes up to him and says "your mom is HOT"

The bartender shoes the drunk guy away and appologised saying he was cut off and leaving soon...

The drunk returns to the guy at the bar a minute later and says "your mom has sweet ass"

The bartender tells the guy to settle down or he is out of here...

Again the guy returns and says "I'm gonna bang your mom tonight"

As the bartender goes to grab the guy and toss him out the guy stops him and says "let me handle it"

The guy turns to the drunk and says "Dad, your too drunk, GO HOME"


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## dorianc204 (Mar 12, 2007)

Why does Santa Clause not have any kids......?

Cause he only cums once a year and when he does its down your chimney.


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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

[email protected]6° said:


> A guy is sitting at the having a beer when this drunk guy comes up to him and says "your mom is HOT"
> 
> The bartender shoes the drunk guy away and appologised saying he was cut off and leaving soon...
> 
> ...


HAHAA I should do that sh*t when my kids have their friends over..


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## Pit_man (Sep 13, 2008)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, 
so seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.
Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, 
Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses and
walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different
NOW?' Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells,AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'
Nope', she replies.
IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Ya shoulda bought a hat


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)

A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored go into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says


Spoiler



"get the f*ck outta here!"



A cookie to whoever can tell me where that's from.


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## Pacuguy (Apr 10, 2004)

dorianc204 said:


> Why does Santa Clause not have any kids......?
> 
> Cause he only cums once a year and when he does its down your chimney.


HAHAHA!


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

Boobs VS. Willies

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of penis are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch tree,
flexible, smooth and reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'--- hard to get up and the balls are just for decoration!


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## Winkyee (Feb 17, 2003)

A winter statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH sh*t" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND AND THEY SAY,
"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."


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## Rigor_mortiZ_Rhom (Dec 21, 2003)

E-THUG said:


> A black guy, white guy, mexican guy, and a chinese guy are on a mountain.
> 
> The chinese guy jumps and yells THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE
> 
> ...


??? what was that?


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## need_redz (May 11, 2007)

Winkyee said:


> A winter statistic
> 
> 98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH sh*t" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
> 
> ...


lol...nice one!


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