# lets here your favorite joke>



## thePACK (Jan 3, 2003)

so lets here them..


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## elTwitcho (Jun 22, 2004)

This one is all about delivery. 50% of people will laugh their ass off, the other 50% will say it's the stupidest joke they've ever heard and give you sh*t for it.

So two muffins are sitting in the oven baking. One muffin turns to the next and says "phew, sure is hot in here", and the other muffin says "HOLY sh*t A TALKING [email protected][email protected]!!"

There's also;

What has two legs and bleeds? (people invariably think you're making a menstruation joke)

Half a dog


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## marco (Jan 2, 2003)

two peanuts were taking a walk together. one was assaulted.









damn, theres so manny that i cant post because they arnt clean enough









heres one more

how do you confuse a blonde? put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner.


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## hyphen (Apr 4, 2004)

1] So a man walks into a bar and says, "ouch!".

2] A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"

3] A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here!" So the mushroom replies, "Why? I'm a fun-gii!"


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## eL ChiNo LoCo (Apr 16, 2004)

Okay okay I got it! Theres this priest and a little boy right....and..oh nevermind. :/


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## hyphen (Apr 4, 2004)

So a priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"


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## marco (Jan 2, 2003)

eL ChiNo LoCo said:


> Okay okay I got it! Theres this priest and a little boy right....and..oh nevermind. :/
> [snapback]925739[/snapback]​


thats nasty man


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## icedizzle (Feb 3, 2005)

whats micheal jacksons favorite time... when the big hand touches the little hand!

What do you call a welshman with a sheep under each arm??? A pimp


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## icedizzle (Feb 3, 2005)

how do you give a blonde math lessons... subtract her clothes, divide her legs and give her a square root


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## NegativeCamber (Nov 29, 2004)

icedizzle said:


> how do you give a blonde math lessons... subtract her clothes, divide her legs and give her a square root
> [snapback]925761[/snapback]​


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## ReDraGon-> (May 24, 2004)

Q-What do u call a SMART blonde?

A-GOLDEN RETRIEVER


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## sharpteeth (Feb 14, 2004)

2 eggs boiling in a pan, 1 egg turns round and says "I don't like this it's too hot!"
2nd egg says "If u think this is bad wait till u get out and they smash ur head in"

only 1 i could think of?


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.

You know what Harleys and old ladys have in common?
They both leak for 20 minutes when your finished riding them.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, little Billy walked up to the front of the class and made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period" said Billy." "Well, I can see that," replied the teacher, "but what's so exciting about that?" "Damned if I know," said Billy, "but this morning my sister announced she was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.

Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.

It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.

Perhaps bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble.

There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing.

At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be.

After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall.

One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good sh*t, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagional wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a sh*t.

I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move."

Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.

It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of sh*t at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.

Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end.

To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precidence over sh*t no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of sh*t the consistancy of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The sh*t wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initally hit the toilet seat.

Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occured, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. 
Needless to say, the sh*t wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of sh*t remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed.

OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting?

One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.

Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now
slightly- opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles?

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in sh*t that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid sh*t. All while thick sh*t was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no f*cking toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left.

At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately.

Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers.

And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being.

She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.

Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above.

At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom.

He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.


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## hyphen (Apr 4, 2004)

a hot girl i know called me the other day, she says to me "come over, nobody's home!" i went over...nobody was home.

courtesy of rodney dangerfield


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## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

b_ack51 said:


> Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
> 
> Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
> 
> ...


wtf dude - this is your idea of - two liners only, no paragraphs ?

What's the best way to break up an Al Qaeda bingo game ? Yell out B-52

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart - he heard boys' pants were half of

eh I got plenty more just can't remember right now..


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## Fido (May 21, 2003)

b_ack51 said:


> Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
> 
> Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
> 
> ...


shittttt, are we going to paragraph mode now?? Heh, here is mine
_____________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a coke."


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## tinylilredbelly's (Jul 27, 2004)

hahaha that sh*t story, i made it half way through, just before your sh*t splattered everywhere.. and my ass was brewing a dump of epic proportions..I had to leave mid-story becuase it was pretty much making me wanna sh*t... i think it was the "the move" paragraph haha.... lol I pretty much sand blasted the toilet at my work.. hahahahaha


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## Natt King Shoal (Aug 7, 2004)

I find it funny that two of you complain about b_ack51's long joke and quote the whole thing!

Q: Whats brown and sometimes found in little boy's pants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: Whats green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

A man is asked to join the FBI. After many tests his last test is to go in a room and shoot and kill his wife. He just cant do it...

Several applicants later a man is asked the same thing. He thinks strongly about it but just cant do it either and hands the gun back to the agents.

The wife comes out and says she'd like to join. After many tests they get to the point where she is given a gun and asked to go in the room and kill her husband.

She goes in the room. Several "bang"s are heard and then loud crashing and thumping sounds and yelling. The FBI agents are concerned!

When she comes out they asked what happened. She says: "The gun you gave me had blanks so I beat him to death with the chair!"


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

some stuff from peter kay

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid 
problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I 
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him 
to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go 
swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I 
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But 
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my 
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was 
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why 
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd 
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of 
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and 
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


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## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

piranhasrule said:


> some stuff from peter kay
> 
> 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid
> problem?
> ...


haha, those are pretty funny


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## StuartDanger (Aug 7, 2003)

my girlfriend called me a pervert in bed the other night, i said ' thats a big word for a 9 year old'


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

spiderman2099uk said:


> my girlfriend called me a pervert in bed the other night, i said ' thats a big word for a 9 year old'
> [snapback]926281[/snapback]​










thats sick ! lol


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## DonH (Jan 25, 2003)

What's the squareroot of 69?

Ate something...


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

Relax man, about the long joke but its a funny read.


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## Dragonrider (Jan 13, 2005)

I would have been a doctor, but I didn't have the patience.


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## channafreak (Mar 27, 2004)

Two lesbians and two gay guys take off for a road trip....... who gets there first??

The lesbians of course. They are doing 69 the whole way while the two guys are still packing their sh*t at home.


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## channafreak (Mar 27, 2004)

What did the blond say when she got here drivers exam back......

Hey!!! How did I get an F on sex?

Whats the differance between a blond and a refrigerator.

When you pull your meat out of the fridge it dosent fart.

How are a turtle and a blond simmilar.

When they both roll over on their backs, their both fucked.


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## Umbilical Syllables (Dec 16, 2004)

What's the difference between a red corvette and a bunch of dead babies? 
I don't have a red corvette in my garage


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

blone and a bunet walking in the woods blonde says look tracks wonder what their from and goes off following to find out

2 mins later she got hit by a train!!

sorry was all i could think of. but to piranhasrule ^^ GARLIC BREAD???? 
unless youve seen peter kay you wont have a clue what thats about^


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

inked82 said:


> blone and a bunet walking in the woods blonde says look tracks wonder what their from and goes off following to find out
> 
> 2 mins later she got hit by a train!!
> 
> ...










CHEESECAKE!! CHEESE.... AND CAKE?!?!?! not in my lifetime!


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## crazyklown89 (Aug 28, 2003)

Here's a funny kinda racist joke.(BTW I'm indian so if you're offended please by all means makes a joke on my people)

Why wasn't Jesus born in Puerto Rico?

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

This is a joke we have at the steelers

Little jimmy goes to a school in nottingham, and one day his teacher asks the class who they support and they all say Nottingham except jimmy who says Steelers. His teacher says 'jimmy why do you support the steelers'? To which jimmy replies because my mum and dad support them'

Jimmys teacher says 'you cant support a team just because your parents support them, what if your mum was an idiot and your father was a retard'?

To which jimmy replies 'Well then i would be a panthers fan'


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## icedizzle (Feb 3, 2005)

1. why did the gay criminal keep going back to jail?
Because he loved it in the can!

2. Whats the diference between a stud and a premature ejaculator?
Ones good for seconds and the others good for seconds.

3. What do a whalrus and a coke bottle have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

4. Whats the difference between a Canadian soldier and an Iraqi soldier? 
Don't know... Welcome to the US air force.


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## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

Did you know the word "toothbrush" was invented in Arkansas ? Had it been invented anywhere else it'd be "teethbrush"


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## mori0174 (Mar 31, 2004)

chist b ack51, thats the funniest thing i've ever heard.


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## DominatorRhom (Jan 28, 2005)

that joke was funny b_ack51, but i hope you dont expect people to think it actually happened to you. i saw that a while ago somewhere. there was an actual website that the guy who supposedly had that happen to him posted it with the address of Ryan's.
still funny though. very long read for a two liner joke though...haha :rasp:


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## [email protected]° (Jun 16, 2004)

Whats the difference between a Harley and an Vacum cleaner?

The dirt bag rides on top of the Harley!


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## hyphen (Apr 4, 2004)

Civic Disobedience said:


> Whats the difference between a Harley and an Vacum cleaner?
> 
> The dirt bag rides on top of the Harley!
> [snapback]927428[/snapback]​


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

DominatorRhom said:


> that joke was funny b_ack51, but i hope you dont expect people to think it actually happened to you. i saw that a while ago somewhere. there was an actual website that the guy who supposedly had that happen to him posted it with the address of Ryan's.
> still funny though. very long read for a two liner joke though...haha :rasp:
> [snapback]927089[/snapback]​


That's the whole point of jokes, for people to know its not a true story.


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

*
*
Q: What do you do if you see an Iraqi with one leg?
*
*
*
*
A: Try to stop laughing and reload!


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## sprtslvr785 (Mar 3, 2005)

Why are there no Wal-marts in Iraq?

There is a target on every corner!


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## sprtslvr785 (Mar 3, 2005)

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel

I could say alot that i know but most of them are racist. And I dont think the mods would like that....


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

> CHEESECAKE!! CHEESE.... AND CAKE?!?!?! not in my lifetime!
> [snapback]926581[/snapback]​
























peter kay rules







oh and PUT BIG LIGHT ON!!


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## sprtslvr785 (Mar 3, 2005)




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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

spiderman2099uk said:


> my girlfriend called me a pervert in bed the other night, i said ' thats a big word for a 9 year old'
> [snapback]926281[/snapback]​

















funny chit..

an oldie but still cracks me up..whyd the monkey fall out of the tree..
because he was dead..


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

piranhasrule said:


> This is a joke we have at the steelers
> 
> Little jimmy goes to a school in nottingham, and one day his teacher asks the class who they support and they all say Nottingham except jimmy who says Steelers. His teacher says 'jimmy why do you support the steelers'? To which jimmy replies because my mum and dad support them'
> 
> ...










i must show that to the guy i work with but







coz i live in nottingham but i dont really care about the hockey.


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

> i must show that to the guy i work with but coz i live in nottingham but i dont really care about the hockey.


sorry if it offends you but it isnt really aimed at the people of nottingham, just the panthers fans (steelers and panthers are big rivals) i think there jelous of all the topheys we win? oh and if that guy at work is a panthers fan, ask him what the score was in the last steelers panthers game, and who won the playoffs last year after beating the panthers!


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## cErx2Oo3 (Sep 13, 2004)

crazyklown89 said:


> Here's a funny kinda racist joke.(BTW I'm indian so if you're offended please by all means makes a joke on my people)
> 
> Why wasn't Jesus born in Puerto Rico?
> 
> ...










:lmao:







:lmao:


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

What do you get if you cross the Nottingham Panthers with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

piranhasrule said:


> What do you get if you cross the Nottingham Panthers with an OXO cube?
> A laughing stock.
> [snapback]928192[/snapback]​


 no its fine im not offended but the guy at work mite be which could be funny as hes a panthers fan!! i will laff my sox off if he is, they r funny (if your not a panthers fan) andim not so lol







ill defo tell him that on if i cant get to the "t'internet" sorry another peter key gag or r u going "t'eygipt" (sp?) this summer!!


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## Avatar~God (Oct 21, 2004)

b_ack51 said:


> Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
> 
> Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served.
> 
> ...


I just wont to say something. This is by far the funniest thing i have ever read in my life. i had to stop reading to catch my breath. it only took 15 min to read but it was worth it. haha


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## Avatar~God (Oct 21, 2004)

........


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## eL ChiNo LoCo (Apr 16, 2004)

Im out, like a boner in sweatpants.


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## Landon (Feb 24, 2005)

Well here we go:

Michael Jackson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton were all on a plain together with 17 children. All of the sudden, the pilot says the plain is crashing and they need to take a parachute and jump out now (the pilot jumped out). They went over to get a parachute and noticed there were only 17 of parachutes. George says "Give them to the kids", Bill says "Screw the kids!", Michael says "How much time do we have before we crash?".

Dont get it?
Michael wants to "screw" the kids before the plane crashed.


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## alan (Mar 11, 2004)

how can you tell when your sister is having a period ?

your dads dick tastes funny


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

alan said:


> how can you tell when your sister is having a period ?
> 
> your dads dick tastes funny
> [snapback]930378[/snapback]​


thats just wrong! lol


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## Landon (Feb 24, 2005)

LMAO


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## chiefkyle (May 3, 2004)

Whats the difference between a Gay Male and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.


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## Landon (Feb 24, 2005)

LMAO nice one


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## Guest (Mar 12, 2005)

*
*
*
Q: What happened to the Cuban who got a flat tire?
*
*
*
*
*
*
A: He drowned.


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## LOgan (Mar 13, 2005)

The 'essay on sh*t' is by far the funniest thing I've read in years









Nice one for finally giving a name to 'The Move'


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

did you know david beckham invited michal jackson to relax on there private boat

michal replyed with "thanks for the invite i love to cum on your cruise"






























thats probly for the uk/europrein peps out threre


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## LOgan (Mar 13, 2005)

Haha, that's actually pretty sick, not heard that yet ^_^


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## A-D-D (Feb 3, 2005)

How come baby ducks can't lay eggs?..................because their quacks are to small.


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## LOgan (Mar 13, 2005)

:S

What's brown and sticky?

A Stick


----------



## hyphen (Apr 4, 2004)

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to
see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


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## Guest (Mar 14, 2005)

HAHAHAH!

That was too good!

I loved the essay too...classic!

--Dan


----------



## NegativeCamber (Nov 29, 2004)

channafreak said:


> Two lesbians and two gay guys take off for a road trip....... who gets there first??
> 
> The lesbians of course. They are doing 69 the whole way while the two guys are still packing their sh*t at home.
> [snapback]926416[/snapback]​


Different version --

Two lesbians and two gay guys take off for a road trip....... who gets there first??

The lesbians of course. They got there lickity split while the two guys are still packing their sh*t at home.


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## channafreak (Mar 27, 2004)

There is a woman that has been in a coma for a year at the hospital. Every day a nurse comes in and gives the lady a sponge bath. As she is cleaning the woman the heart monitor jumps a little bit when she is nearing the womans privates. She at first thinks nothing of it but every time she gets close to touching the womans crotch the heart monitor jumps. She runs out and tells the doctor. The staff gets a brilliant idea. They call the womans husband and tell him that they have this crazy idea that if the husband comes in and gives his wife oral sex, she might snap out of the coma. The man says "well, anythings worth a shot at this point." They give the couple a private room and hook up all the monitors outside so they can monitor any changes. Five minutes goes by and nothing changes.........Another five minutes goes by. All of a sudden the heart monitor flatlines. The womans dead. The staff rushes into the room and they say "what the hell happend??? The man quickly zipps his fly up and says "I...I...I dunno. I think she f*cking choked!"


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## Liquid (Aug 24, 2004)

well since everyones writing a paragraph heres one of my favorites...

this chick walks into a bar, scouts the room and finds a man she might be intrested in and takes a seat not to far from him at the bar, the dude notices her sizeing him up so he asks the bartender for his normal..

the bartender hands him a drink, he downs it, turns, runs and jumps out the window, flys around in a circle then jumps back in the window and casuely sits back down at the bar..

the chicks jaw drops and shes yells "howd you do that" and persisted that hed tell her. so the guys leans over and wispers in her ear, "its the beer".
so she demands the same beer this guy was drinking, the bartender gives her one, she downs it, turns, runs and crashs out of the same window, and falls two stories to a grusome death.

the bartender wipeing one of his beer glasses then turns to the guy and says.. "ya know superman, you can be a real asshole when you drink"..


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

LOgan said:


> :S
> 
> What's brown and sticky?
> 
> ...


a stick!


----------



## sprtslvr785 (Mar 3, 2005)

Piranhadude has the funniest story out of all of us. My stomach still hurts 20 minutes after reading it from laughing so hard!


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## alan (Mar 11, 2004)

the dyslexic debating society meeting...

is there a dog ?


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## alan (Mar 11, 2004)

what goes in and out and smells of piss?

your nan doing the hokey-cokey.


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## hughie (Sep 7, 2003)

What is a yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a man can do it on his own!


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## Umbilical Syllables (Dec 16, 2004)

A guy goes to visit his buddy in the Yukon, and his buddy decides to take him hunting for the first time. They're sitting behind a bush when they see a feather. The buddy aims and shoots. They go over to see the kill and its an indian. The visiting guy says "Holy sh*t Man!! You just killed an Indian!!" His buddy looks at him and calmly says, "Don't worry, it's legal up here. So they go back to the bush and this time they see 2 feathers. Once again the buddy aims and shoots, and sure enough it's another Indian. The visiting guy tells his buddy he has had enough, so he takes his gun and goes to his truck. 
On the way back he decides to stop at the Beer Store so he can drown his troubles. He comes out with his beer, notices his shoelace is untied and puts the beer on his truck to tie his shoe. A bunch of Indians pull up in a truck and proceed to steal his beer. Enraged, the guy takes his gun and starts picking off the Indians one by one. A police officer walks up and tells the man he's under arrest. Confused he tells the police officer "I thought it was legal to shoot Indians up here?" To which the officer replies "It's legal, but you sure as hell can't bait 'em first."


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

alan said:


> the dyslexic debating society meeting...
> 
> is there a dog ?
> [snapback]933277[/snapback]​


















im dyslexic and ive heard that so many times but it still makes me laff


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## Deeks (Apr 23, 2003)

A priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and they come across a little boy. The priest says to the rabbi, "hey man, lets screw this kid" and the Rabbi replies, " out of what?"


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## Deeks (Apr 23, 2003)

Why don't elderly men go down on their wives?

Come on, have you ever tried opening a grilled cheese sandwich?


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## acb (Nov 9, 2004)

the essay is by far the funnest thing on earth...im speachless HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH
good lord absolutly rediculous..what where you thinkin while this was happening

ohh yea what do you call cheese thats not yours, nacho chesse


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

Nacho cheese = not yours cheese.


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## Fraggy (Nov 8, 2004)

two horses in a fridge, one turns round to the other and says bbbbbrrrrrrrr!!!!


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## DiPpY eGgS (Mar 6, 2005)

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro, cinco!


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## AzNP (May 21, 2003)

b_ack51

thx for making my day

that was indeed worth the time u haf amazing writing skills 
laughed my ass off


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

not my joke and i didnt type it up. good ole copy & paste


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## LFSuperfly144 (Feb 7, 2005)

What did one tit say to the other tit.... we better get some support or their gonna think were nuts


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## LOgan (Mar 13, 2005)

Some funny sh*t "yo"

'is there a dog' actually took me about three or four reads to get the f*cking joke.

I may not be dyslexic but I think I might be stupid.

Here's a little one liner:

There's no problem, great or small, that cannot be solved without the right amount of C4.


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## mori0174 (Mar 31, 2004)

LOgan said:


> Some funny sh*t "yo"
> 
> 'is there a dog' actually took me about three or four reads to get the f*cking joke.
> 
> ...


I must be stupid because I dont get that joke.


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

yeah the dog joke i just dont get either.


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## lizo0110 (Nov 30, 2004)

me either...


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## piranhasrule (May 31, 2004)

iv looked at the dog joke about 10 times and just dont get it


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

piranhasrule said:


> iv looked at the dog joke about 10 times and just dont get it
> [snapback]935865[/snapback]​


spell it backwards d o g / g o d

u get it??


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## Fargo (Jun 8, 2004)

I'm Jewish so feel free to deride my race. All jokes are jokes only and not meant to be taken seriously.

Why are there no hockey teams in Poland?

-They all drowned during spring training.

What would you call the flinstones if they were Black? 
-
-*******

What do Lesbians do when they're having their period?

-fingerpaint.

Did you hear about the Polish homosexual?

-He likes women.

What do Michael Jackson and fruit cocktail have in common?

-They both cum in little cans.

What did the black kid get for christmas?

-Your new bike.

What do you call a black guy with no arms and no legs?

-Trustworthy.

A Hillbilly girl asks her dad to borrow the car. He says, "You can have the car if you blow me." She starts blowin him and says, "Dad, you're dick tastes like sh*t." He says, "Oh I forgot to tell you, your brother borrowed the car earlier."

What do you call a Jewish dilemna?

-Free pork.

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

-She was a woman.

What do you get when you mix a black guy with a Jew?

-A Janitor who owns the building.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 200 black guys?

-The warden.


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## mori0174 (Mar 31, 2004)

inked82 said:


> piranhasrule said:
> 
> 
> > iv looked at the dog joke about 10 times and just dont get it
> ...


Got it. I definitely am stupid when it comes to jokes.


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## inked82 (Oct 26, 2004)

mori0174 said:


> inked82 said:
> 
> 
> > piranhasrule said:
> ...


i dont think iwould have got it if my mum didnt used to tell me this one

the asnostic dyslxic use to say up all nite worrying if there really was a dog


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

Fargo said:


> A Hillbilly girl asks her dad to borrow the car. He says, "You can have the car if you blow me." She starts blowin him and says, "Dad, you're dick tastes like sh*t." He says, "Oh I forgot to tell you, your brother borrowed the car earlier."
> 
> [snapback]936093[/snapback]​


You totally slaughtered that joke.


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## watermonst3rs (Feb 15, 2004)

my mom had a stroke. shes paralized down the left side of her body. shes all right now.


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## RedBelly Dom (Mar 22, 2005)

there was three guys walking on the beach, one was mexican, one was black, one was american. They find a jeanie lamp and the jeanie offers them each one wish. The Mexican wishes for all the Mexicans to be free in Mexico, and the Jeanie says Wish granted. The black guy wishes for all his african people to be free in Africa, and the Jeanie grants his wish. So the white dude says, "Well all the black people and mexicans are out of America," and the jeanie says yes. Then the white person says " Then I'll have a Coke."


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## RedBelly Dom (Mar 22, 2005)

I couldnt tell what to watch when the super bowl was on. I couldnt decide whether to watch the super bowl or the discovery channel. They were practicly the same thing, a bunch of monkies throwing bananas around.


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## Feeder_Phish (Apr 15, 2005)

why dont women wear skirt in winter????

beacause they get chapped lips


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## aburnzi (Apr 19, 2005)

Dunno if this has already been on here,but i couldnt be arsed goin through all the big 1s lol :laugh:








some of them are funny tho lol...

janet jackson says to micheal jackson i think we should get some food and a video in to watch....

micheal j replys and says lets get alladin

janet jackson says no some food and a video..lol

all i can think of i have loads of oldies but youve prob already heard them.


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

if my balls were on your chin where would my dick be???

"in your mouth"


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## Feeder_Phish (Apr 15, 2005)

sorry if i offended you its a joke

whats the difference between black people and sperm???(Q)
that 1 in a million are successful(A)

whats the national bird of china???(Q)
orange chicken(A)

what would hitler wnat for his birthday??(Q)
an easy bake ove(A)

theres 3 guys on a boat a white guy, a hispanic guy and a chinese guy and there all going back to there country. all of a sudden the boat starts to sink because theres to much stuff inside the boat so the 3 guys have to pick stuff that they dont need and throw it overboard, the chinese guy went first he threw a sack of rice overboard and said "we alot of those im my country", then the mexican went next he threw a bag of beans overboard and said "we have alot of those in my country", and then the white guy goes and throws the mexican guy over and says "we have alot of those in my country"

last one

theres a principal in an highschool and hes looking for students that were cutting class, he then spots one and asks the student a question "what were you doing"said the principal students replies "i was blowing bubbles" the principal said thats okay thats not bad you could go, after a while he spots another one he asks the same question "what are you doing" the student says "i was blowing bubbles" so he lets him because its small stuff and he doesnt want to sweat it, 5 minutes pass and he spots another one he says "let me guess you were blowing buubles too right??" the student replies "i am bubbles"


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## FIRE Newt MIKE 767 (Apr 11, 2005)

jewelz: good sh*t man


----------



## FIRE Newt MIKE 767 (Apr 11, 2005)

red belly dom: first of all you stole ur first joke off of The BOon dock saints 
and the other one was not funy at all


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## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

theres a bar that has a flashing neon sign on the front window that reads"first come first served". A few doors down theres a whorehouse with a flashing neon sign on the front window that reads "First served first come".


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## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

double post.


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## Dr. Giggles (Oct 18, 2003)

What's the difference between light and hard ?

You can sleep with a light on.


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## yonam (Apr 16, 2004)

NeVeR AsK A WoMaN

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends
house for a play date. "Mommy," the little
girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not
supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal
questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated
mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything,"
the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need
to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

The little girl continues on triumphantly,
"And...I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."


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## mrbmum33 (Feb 20, 2005)

what did the zero say to the eight....

"Nice belt"


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## mrbmum33 (Feb 20, 2005)

what did the zero say to the eight....

"Nice belt"

If that was over your head read this

here's a zero....... 0
here's an eight..... 8

if you tightened a belt around a zero it would look like an eight

you're welcome


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

elTwitcho said:


> This one is all about delivery. 50% of people will laugh their ass off, the other 50% will say it's the stupidest joke they've ever heard and give you sh*t for it.
> 
> So two muffins are sitting in the oven baking. One muffin turns to the next and says "phew, sure is hot in here", and the other muffin says "HOLY sh*t A TALKING [email protected][email protected]!!"
> 
> [snapback]925724[/snapback]​


----------



## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

"Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up."


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## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

wacb said:


> "Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up."
> [snapback]1001579[/snapback]​


that's the joke from Pulp Fiction


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

FIRE Newt MIKE 767 said:


> jewelz: good sh*t man
> [snapback]1001030[/snapback]​


what joke did I post on this thread ?


----------



## Sheppard (Jul 8, 2004)

here is one me and my buddies favs...

(you ask someone)** "Hey man are you moving?"

Person says "No, Why?"

"Oh because last night I saw you and your dad packing some fudge!"


----------



## Killduv (Jun 1, 2004)

These jokes are all great here are a few.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new song?
Don't let your son go down on me

Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
He ate a nine year old wiener

What does Michael Jackson call a circumcison?
Foreplay

What do Michael Jackson and a xbox have in common?
they both get turned on by kids

What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
They both know how to rear a kid

Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-mart?
He heard that boys pants were half off

What is Michael Jackson's Chinese Name?
Melikeemyoung


----------



## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or sex in quite some time. She was afraid that something might be wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Ho Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr.Chang said,"Prease, takee offall you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of woom." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. 
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I eva seen. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Shocked the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr, Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary rike your ass."


----------



## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.


----------



## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A man was in the restroom when an Irish man came in and stood next to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn't stand it.
"I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen!" 
"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?" 
"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st Id like an enormous mansion" 
"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow" 
"2nd I'd like a beautiful girlfriend." 
"Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning." 
"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!" 
"OK, but I will have to butt-f you first." 
Since the guy wants all this so badly he says OK and drops his pants and bends over. 
The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!" 
And the guy answers, "I cant believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"


----------



## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A man's working at the U.S. Patent Office and all he does all day is have people walk up to his desk and listen to people's ideas for patents. One day he's look down the line of people to talk to him and he sees a guy in line tossing an apple in one hand. "What an idiot," he thinks, "this guy's going to ask for a patent on an apple?"

The man finally gets to the front of the line and the clerk says, "Sorry sir, but we can't hand you a patent for an apple."

"Just take a bite of it," the man replies.

The clerk bites into it and suprising it tastes like an orange. The man tells him to bite the other side, the clerk does and to his amazement it tastes like watermelon.

The clerk whispers over the desk, "Hey, do you know what would be great? If you can get one of these to taste like p*ssy."

The man gets a thoughtful look on his face and says he'll be back in a week.
A week later the clerk sees the man in line again, tossing another apple. When he gets to the front he hands the man the apples and asks him what he thinks. The clerk bites into it and is completely disgusted, "Eeewww," he says, "it tastes like sh*t!"

"Oh," the man says, "well try the other side."


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

A man walks into a bar, sits down, pulls out a miniature piano and a tiny guy starts playing the piano. 
Bartender: "That's cool' where'd you get that?"
man: "I wished for it from my magic lamp."
Bartender: "Can I have a wish?"

the man agrees and hands him the magic lamp. The bartender wishes for a million bucks. Seconds later, a million ducks come waddling into the bar.

Bartender: "I didn't wish for a million DUCKS, I wished for a million BUCKS!"
man: "Well, do you think I wished for a nine inch pianist."


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

two guys were inthe showers after a workout when the one noticed a cork in the other guys butt. he said "it's not my business but ehy is there a cork in your butt?" the other guy said "well, last week i was walking down the beach and found a lamp. it was a little dirty so i rubbed it and a genie comes out and said that he will grant me one wish. Then i said "no sh*t"


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## GRLRCR (Jan 27, 2005)

b_ack51 said:


> Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
> 
> The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
> [snapback]925950[/snapback]​


OMG...seriously the funniest thing ive read in a while....LOL...people at my work are probably wondering what the hell is going on as i burst out laughing.
that was really well written and beats any "two liner" joke.
thank you :laugh:


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## GoJamieGo (Mar 18, 2005)

As we get older sometimes our priorities change.... The other day I came home from work to be greeted by my wife wearing nothing but lingerie, holding two velvet ropes.... Tie me up and do what ever you want, she purred..... So I tied her up and went fishing.


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## elementalheadcase (Apr 23, 2005)

thePACK said:


> so lets here<----*spelled wrong for the context* them..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


bump


----------



## channafreak (Mar 27, 2004)

An old man is sitting on a bench in a small town. A hick boy comes runnin up the road with some chicken wire. The old man yells out "hey boy, whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire." The boy says "Im gonna catch me some chickens." The man laughs and says "boy, you cant catch chickens with that." The boy shrugs it off and keeps runnin up the road. A while later the boy comes back with four chickens. The old man scratches his head in disbelief. The next day the buy comes runnin up the road with some duct tape. The old man shouts out again, "boy whattcha doin with that duct tape." The boy replys "Im gonna go get me some ducks." The man says "stupid kid, you cant catch ducks with duct tape." The boy shrugs it off again and keeps runnin up the road. Later that day the boy comes back with six ducks. The old mans really confused now. The next day the same boy comes runnin up the road. The old man looks at him and sees in both his hands he has some pussywillow twigs. The old man grabs his hat, jumps up and yells, "Hold on there boy, Im commin with you!"


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## piranhasavage (Apr 20, 2005)

your momma is so country she thought an elevator was a mobile home :rasp:


----------



## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)




----------



## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

▲bump▲


----------



## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

what do you call a mexican with no car???

"carlos"


----------



## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

"brainbuster"

three men went on vacation so they needed a room to stay
they wanted to find the cheapest room so they finally found a room it cost $30.00
so they all paid $10.00 each so they went up to there room which was on the tenth floor. the manager just realized that the rooms were on sale for $25.00
so he gave the bell boy $5.00 to give back to the three of them but on his way up he did not know how to divide 5 into 3 so he said f*ck it I will just give each person $1.00 each and pocket $2.00.... so in reality they all paid $9.00 each
so whats 9 x 3 plus the 2 that the bell boy pocketed??? 
9x3= 27 plus 2 + 29

so what happened to the $1.00 ??????

"I NEED YOUR ANSWER GUYS"


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

"ANY TAKERS ON THE BRAINBUSTER ABOVE"

I JUST NEED ANYONES ANSWER


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

Why are you adding two? They paid 9 dollars each, so all together they paid 27$. There is 2$ in the busboys pocket, and the manager has 25$... there's no extra dollar.


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> Why are you adding two? They paid 9 dollars each, so all together they paid 27$. There is 2$ in the busboys pocket, and the manager has 25$... there's no extra dollar.
> [snapback]1008713[/snapback]​


they gave $30.00 and they spent $27.00 plus the $2.00 from the bellboy 
27 + 2 = $29.00 wheres the other dollor......


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## Tinkerbelle (Oct 14, 2004)

hrdbyte said:


> "brainbuster"
> 
> three men went on vacation so they needed a room to stay
> they wanted to find the cheapest room so they finally found a room it cost $30.00
> ...


ok $30 ea.
-$25 which they ought to have paid
= $5 in change
the bellboy gives each guy $1 back which makes $3
and pockets $2.

25 divided by 3 = $8.33 ea. (approx) *** NOT NINE DOLLARS ***
+ 1 = $9.33 
9.33 x 3 = $28
+ 2 = $30


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

ok $30 ea.
-$25 which they ought to have paid
= $5 in change
the bellboy gives each guy $1 back which makes $3
and pockets $2.

25 divided by 3 = $8.33 ea. (approx) *** NOT NINE DOLLARS ***
+ 1 = $9.33 
9.33 x 3 = $28
+ 2 = $30
[snapback]1008723[/snapback]​[/quote]

9.33 X 3 does not equal $28.00
9.33 x 3 = 27.99

so wheres the penny....????????


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## Tinkerbelle (Oct 14, 2004)

RedBelly Dom said:


> there was three guys walking on the beach, one was mexican, one was black, one was american. They find a jeanie lamp and the jeanie offers them each one wish. The Mexican wishes for all the Mexicans to be free in Mexico, and the Jeanie says Wish granted. The black guy wishes for all his african people to be free in Africa, and the Jeanie grants his wish. So the white dude says, "Well all the black people and mexicans are out of America," and the jeanie says yes. Then the white person says " Then I'll have a Coke."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


you totally got that one out of the boondock saints


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## Tinkerbelle (Oct 14, 2004)

hrdbyte said:


> > 25 divided by 3 = *$8.33 ea. (approx) *** NOT NINE DOLLARS ****
> > + 1 = $9.33
> > 9.33 x 3 = $28
> > + 2 = $30
> ...


dude, note the fact i said 8.33 approximately. its pretty much 8.33 repeating.... the 3's go on forever. DUH. stop being so nitpicky, i accounted for everything. the fact is that 25 does NOT divide evenly into 3 parts. therefore, your riddle is flawed.


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

Tinkerbelle said:


> RedBelly Dom said:
> 
> 
> > there was three guys walking on the beach, one was mexican, one was black, one was american. They find a jeanie lamp and the jeanie offers them each one wish. The Mexican wishes for all the Mexicans to be free in Mexico, and the Jeanie says Wish granted. The black guy wishes for all his african people to be free in Africa, and the Jeanie grants his wish. So the white dude says, "Well all the black people and mexicans are out of America," and the jeanie says yes. Then the white person says " Then I'll have a Coke."
> ...


tink what happened to the penny?????


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

they actually did pay 9 dollars each, not 8 and a third dollars each.

"so whats 9 x 3 plus the 2 that the bell boy pocketed???
9x3= 27 plus 2 + 29"

should look like

"9x3 = 27 = 25 plus 2"

which works out, just the wrong math there. You don't add 2 to 9x3, as this implies that they paid 29 dollars between them...

So tell us the answer, where did the extra dollar go?¿?¿?


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## Tinkerbelle (Oct 14, 2004)

no the problem is that TWENTY FIVE DOES NOT SPLIT 3 WAYS.

in that case...

they paid $10 each. (3 x 10)

they were SUPPOSED to have paid $25, which does not split evenly 3 ways.

so you subtract the 5 from the 30... so now the bellboy has $5 to bring back to them.

25 (total...) + 3 = 28

the bellboy pockets 2 dollars. that equals $30.

hm. i think the problem is in the reasoning, that each guy is paying $9. it doesn't WORK that way. because they'd each need to ideally pay $8.33 (approximately) to make it work.


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> they actually did pay 9 dollars each, not 8 and a third dollars each.
> 
> "so whats 9 x 3 plus the 2 that the bell boy pocketed???
> 9x3= 27 plus 2 + 29"
> ...


in Tinkerbells pocket because she seems to know everything... LOL

but seriously think about it a little bit more someone could find the answer but if anything I will give the answer if no one can figure it out.....


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

TB: Yes, if the bell boy didn't pocket any then you would be right. They'd pay twenty-five thirds of a dollar each. In the prob, they actually, at the end of the day, were nine dollars poorer each, the bell boy was two dollars richer, and the manager was 25 dollars richer.

hrdbyte: The only thing to figure out is that when you did your equation at the end you were adding how much they paid to how much the bell boy pocketed, and expecting to get thirty, which is wrong, you aren't supposed to get thirty of you add those two things together... You were right up until the equation part, then the question was flawed.


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## red&black (Feb 25, 2005)

b_ack51 said:


> Now, I know that there is a lot of embellisment that occurs on this site and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth........
> 
> [snapback]925950[/snapback]​


thats one hell of a story


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> Yes, if the bell boy didn't pocket any then you would be right. They'd pay twenty-five thirds of a dollar each. In the prob, they actually, at the end of the day, were nine dollars poorer each, the bell boy was two dollars richer, and the manager was 25 dollars richer.
> 
> The only thing to figure out is that when you did your equation at the end you were adding how much they paid to how much the bell boy pocketed, and expecting to get thirty, which is wrong, you aren't supposed to get thirty of you add those two things together...
> [snapback]1008750[/snapback]​


if you try do the math you are gonna be short one penny
so what! you guys want me to change it to weres the penny???

not quite right yet keep trying


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

First:

G1: 0, G2: 0, G3: 0, BB: 0, MA: 0

Then they pay ten dollars each:

G1: -10, G2: -10, G3: -10, BB: 0, MA: 30

Then the manager gave the BB 5$:

G1: -10, G2: -10, G3: -10, BB: 5, MA: 25

Then the BB gave each of them back a dollar, and pocketed two:

G1: -9, G2: -9, G3: -9, BB: 2, MA: 25

Now when you add all of these together:

(-9)+(-9)+(-9)+(2)+(25) = 0

There is no dollar left over... I think you may have it mixed up. : /


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## red&black (Feb 25, 2005)

eL ChiNo LoCo said:


> Im out, like a boner in sweatpants.
> [snapback]930287[/snapback]​


lol


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> First:
> 
> G1: 0, G2: 0, G3: 0, BB: 0, MA: 0
> 
> ...


9+9+9=27 + 2=29
so how did you come up with that math????
3 people gave 9 + bb 2 =$29.00


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> First:
> 
> G1: 0, G2: 0, G3: 0, BB: 0, MA: 0
> 
> ...


9+9+9=27 + 2=29
so how did you come up with that math????
3 people gave 9 + bb 2 =$29.00


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> First:
> 
> G1: 0, G2: 0, G3: 0, BB: 0, MA: 0
> 
> ...


9+9+9=27 + 2=29
so how did you come up with that math????
3 people gave 9 + bb 2 =$29.00


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

Why are you adding what the bus boy has to what the hotel guests gave, this doesn't make mathematical sense. You add his two to the hotel managers 25, then you get 27 for that, and 27 from the guests.

Anyways, it's actually pretty simple math... just read the post it spells it out perfectly. Tell me the answer!?!?!


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> Why are you adding what the bus boy has to what the hotel guests gave, this doesn't make mathematical sense. You add his two to the hotel managers 25, then you get 27 for that, and 27 from the guests.
> 
> Anyways, it's actually pretty simple math... just read the post it spells it out perfectly. Tell me the answer!?!?!
> [snapback]1008775[/snapback]​


JUST RELAX I PUT OUT A NEW TOPIC ABOUT THIS BRAINBUSTER I AM SURE SOMEONE WILL FIND THE RIGHT ANSWER......


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

Haha, OK then I'll just wait for the answer, no more math lectures, promise. Anyways, now that that's over, lets hear some more jokes!


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## hrdbyte (Feb 2, 2005)

wacb said:


> Haha, OK then I'll just wait for the answer, no more math lectures, promise. Anyways, now that that's over, lets hear some more jokes!
> [snapback]1008782[/snapback]​


dude so what do you think of the brainbuster??? 
you know what a friend of mine told me this joke and he would not fuckin tell me the answer. it really made me frustrated and mad at the same time but eventually he told me and you no what it has nothinmg to do with math.....


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## elementalheadcase (Apr 23, 2005)

ok iwas walking in the mall right and this fine ass girl walkiung in front of me dropped a pack of sugar...i went over and picked it up, said,"excuse miss....u dropped ur name tag!"....if u didnt like that..ur a square...trust me<----bitches say,"hes so dreamy!!"


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## red&black (Feb 25, 2005)

sorry for the racism but their the only ones i know...

how do u blindfold a chineese pereson...
dental floss....

why does hellen keller masturbate with one hand....
she moans with the other.....

Q. How can you tell when your wife is dead?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up

A guy walks in to a bar and orders a Bud Light.

The bartender says "Whats up, you never drink Bud Light?"

The guy says "Last night I drank 15 Coors, went home and blew chunks."

The bartender says "Anyone would blow chunks after 15 beers."

The guy says "You don't understand, "Chunks" is the name of my dog!"


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## mrbmum33 (Feb 20, 2005)

why did cave men drag their women around by the hair????

Cause if you drag them by the leg they fill up with dirt


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## mrbmum33 (Feb 20, 2005)

Why did god give blonds one more brain cell then horses????

So they don't sh*t during parades


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## Adam (Dec 23, 2004)

Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?

A: I can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork

Q: What is funnier then a dead baby?

A: A dead baby in a clown costuem

Q: How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends how hard you throw them

Q: Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?

A: I don't know either

sexy huh


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## b_ack51 (Feb 11, 2003)

hrdbyte said:


> "brainbuster"
> 
> three men went on vacation so they needed a room to stay
> they wanted to find the cheapest room so they finally found a room it cost $30.00
> ...


This is VERY old and a repost.

First, each person paid $10 x 3 = $30 (cost of hotel room)

Now minus the $5 -> $30 - $5 = $25 (new cost of hotel room)

Now if they all paid $9 x 3 = $27

$27-$25 = $2

Now you have all your money... $25 + $1 (1st guy) + $1 (2nd guy) + $1 (3rd guy) + $2 (bell boy) = $30

Thanks for the third grade riddle. Its all how you presented and said the problem to mess with people's calculations.

Now give me my $1 for answering that riddle.


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## celticwarrior (Jul 18, 2004)

What's 8 inches long and begins with a 'P'

A f*cking good sh*t.


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## celticwarrior (Jul 18, 2004)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.


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## stonecoldsteveostin (Nov 15, 2003)

Adam said:


> Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
> 
> A: I can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork
> 
> ...


ummm, wtf?


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## crazyklown89 (Aug 28, 2003)

celticwarrior said:


> Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
> 
> He sold his soul to Santa.
> [snapback]1009661[/snapback]​


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## Rigor_mortiZ_Rhom (Dec 21, 2003)

Adam said:


> Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
> 
> A: I can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork
> 
> ...


whoa... you're a wicked person...









Damn..


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## taylorhedrich (Mar 2, 2005)

Rigor_mortiZ_Rhom said:


> Adam said:
> 
> 
> > Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
> ...


Do you have or plan on having children?


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## MPower (Jan 29, 2003)

What did the White Goat say to the Black Goat?

EHHHGOAT!


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## stinkyfish (Jan 21, 2004)

b_ack51 said:


> DominatorRhom said:
> 
> 
> > that joke was funny b_ack51, but i hope you dont expect people to think it actually happened to you. i saw that a while ago somewhere. there was an actual website that the guy who supposedly had that happen to him posted it with the address of Ryan's.
> ...


Weird..I always thought the point of a joke was to be funny


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## AquaTeen (May 3, 2005)

Sex is like chinese food, its not over till you both get your cookies.

Sex is like chinese food, you leave satisfied, but want more in an hour.


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## wacb (Jan 1, 2005)

mrbmum33 said:


> why did cave men drag their women around by the hair????
> 
> Cause if you drag them by the leg they fill up with dirt
> [snapback]1009058[/snapback]​


BRAVO!


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## mr_rob_boto (Aug 31, 2003)

So there's an old man sitting on his porch and he sees a bunny hop onto the road. The man watches the bunny hopping back and forth and smiles. Suddenly a truck comes flying down the road and smaskes the bunny and keeps going. The old man is horrified. Then the truck comes back, the door opens and the old man sees a bottle being poured on the squished bunny. When the bottle is empty the guy in the truck throws the bottle into the weeds beside the road and drives off. The old man doesn't know what to make of the whole ordeal when the bunny gets up and hops towards the other side of the road and turns and waves at the old man. After that it hops a couple more little bunny hops and waves again. Then it hops some more and waves then jumps into the woods. The old man is confused as hell so he walks over to the weeds and finds the bottle. What does it say?

hair tonic with a wave


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## Rigor_mortiZ_Rhom (Dec 21, 2003)

b_ack51 said:


> hrdbyte said:
> 
> 
> > "brainbuster"
> ...


yeah, he will just tell you that you're wrong... we have told him several times...

"nothing to do with math" even though it does...


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## Avatar~God (Oct 21, 2004)

wow there was a lot of math in this topic


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