# ANOTHER FUNNY JOKE!!!



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A small Southwestern Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,******* intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most ********, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $100.

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First", he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the hundred bucks."

_________________________________________


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## Tensa (Jul 28, 2008)

lolz


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

:laugh:


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Glad you liked it guys...It's one of my all time favorites...I thought it might have garnered a few more responses..I got several more good ones that I will post on a daily basis.


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## Piranha Dan (Nov 11, 2007)

Good one.


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## THE BLACK PIRANHA (Dec 8, 2003)

My girl dint get it till I told her, females what the hell


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A mafia Godfather finds out that his accountant has screwed him for ten million bucks. This accountant happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the accountant: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The accountant signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the accountant's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Vinnie's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

3/10


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## THE BLACK PIRANHA (Dec 8, 2003)




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## zippa (Apr 29, 2005)

Why didn't you just post this in your other joke thread rather than starting another whole thread for one joke?


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

THE BLACK PIRANHA said:


> My girl dint get it till I told her, females what the hell


yeah, I hear you on that!...That's because most men like us have a sense of humor...Most females tend to think to literally and/or take it seriously and verbatim even though it's a joke, hence not getting the "punch" line.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

zippa said:


> Why didn't you just post this in your other joke thread rather than starting another whole thread for one joke?


I figured the thread might get a little cluttered and hard to keep track of if I keep posting different jokes on the same thread...this way anybody who wants to read them can do so and respond accordingly to whichever joke they like best.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

speakyourmind said:


> 3/10


Speakyourmind,
Is that the expiration date on your credit card??!!!


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## JoeDizzleMPLS (Nov 5, 2007)

i'm not gonna lie, that one made me laugh


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

joedizzlempls said:


> i'm not gonna lie, that one made me laugh


JoeD and BlackP,










JoeD,
On a sidenote, I didn't forget about those bloodworms!...when I get some again to feed to my boyz, I will take a picture of them so you can see the way they are packaged!


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

Da said:


> 3/10


Speakyourmind,
Is that the expiration date on your credit card??!!!








[/quote]

LOL it is. Do you know something I dont


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

speakyourmind said:


> 3/10


Speakyourmind,
Is that the expiration date on your credit card??!!!








[/quote]

LOL it is. Do you know something I dont
[/quote]

Nah, just a wild guess!...I guess you can call me NOSTRA-DUMB-ASS!!..


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

:laugh: made me giggle


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## Piranha Dan (Nov 11, 2007)

Not bad.


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

pretty funny


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

the second one was great. keep them coming!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

The Best Genie Story Ever

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. She promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh...yes, Sir. We're very sorry about that," The husband replied.

"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. 
You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but, if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it; it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! Now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked the wife.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country In the world," she said.

"Consider it done, "the genie said." And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, Honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So, the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, he rolled over, looked directly into her eyes, and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five-years-old, and both of you still believe in genies?"


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

amazing


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Nick G said:


> amazing


Glad you like' em, Nick G!...I'll keep 'em coming!..







I have several more good ones saved on file somewhere..It's just a matter of me finding the damn things.


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## Plowboy (Apr 9, 2008)

hahaha. The third one was the best!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Plowboy said:


> hahaha. The third one was the best!


Thanks, Plowboy!...yeah, there all funny and good in there own way...Honestly, I like them all the same..funny as sh*t!....Keep your eyes open...I'll keep posting especially if the feedback is positive...and I encourage others to post funny jokes also!...Man, a good joke is just like p*ssy...you can never get enough of them!..


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

last one was hillarious


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

This one is one of my all-time favorites!...























"Not The Sharpest Knives In The Drawer"

Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'Why is that stupid ?'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of Them new fangled warshin' machines!'

1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer 
Wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer 
Some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly James Earl says: She ain't got no pecker.


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## Murphy18 (Oct 17, 2008)

Nice!!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Murphy18 said:


> Nice!!


Thanks, Murphy!...I'll keep posting them as I find them!

FOREST GUMP 
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. 
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. 
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven. 
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three questions. 
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? 
Second: How many seconds are there in a year? 
Third: What is God's first name?" 
Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." 
Forest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." 
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. 
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" 
Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." 
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. 
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? 
"Sure" Forest replied, "its Andy." 
Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" 
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." 
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forest, run".


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

LOL


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? 
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. 
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

^^ rofl, now that's a good one!


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## Boobah (Jan 25, 2005)

Da'Manster= awesome way of being a noob


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Three gay guys are sitting at a bar drinking some beers and they are in a very somber mood..It just so happens that each of their lovers had recently died and each of them had the lover's body cremated...Well, the first gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?..My partner really loved the beach a lot!...so, tommorrow I think I will go down to the ocean and sprinkle his ashes there so he can enjoy it one last time!"...The other two console him as he is weeping...Well, a minute goes by, and then the 2nd gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?...My partner really loved the mountains a lot!..So tommorrow I think I'll make a trip to the Rockies and sprinkle his ashes there so he can enjoy it one last time!"...the other two console him as he also breaks down and starts to cry...Well another minute goes by, finally the last gay guy speaks up and says "You know what?..I think I'm going to put my lovers ashes in my chili tonight!"...The other two gave him a blank stare and both in unison replied "HUH?!!...WHY?!!"...The third gay guy breaks down and starts to cry and says "So he can tear my ass up one last time!"


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

ewwwwwww


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

An extremely cute and clever play on words:

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could it. but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

not bad


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

these are great. really enjoyed the white man joke


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

THE BOSS...Human anatomy style!

The Brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, that he should be the boss!
The Legs countered that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be the boss!
The Stomach said that since he digested all the food, a necessary process, that he should be the boss!
The Eyes said that without them, man would be helpless and blind, so they should be the boss!

Then the A$$hole applied for the job!...the other body parts laughed so hard that the A$$hole became very angry and closed up!

Well after a few days, the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and unable to see...They all finally gave up and made the A$$hole the boss!!!

So, what's the moral of the story?!!

It proves that you don't have to be the brain to be a boss....Just an A$$hole!


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

haha that last one is really good. and unfortunatley true

it also proves that anal is the best


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Trigger lover said:


> haha that last one is really good. and unfortunatley true
> 
> it also proves that anal is the best


Thanks Trigger Lover!







...I'll keep 'em coming as I find them....My inventory is starting to get low :d


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

nice haha


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A few quickies:

#1) Sister Mary and Sister Margaret are grabbed behind the church by two guys who start to grope, strip, fondle them...This leads to fingering and f*cking in all their orficies..."Father, forgive them!" cries sister Mary.."for they know not what they do!!"..."Shut up!" shouts Sister Margaret.."Maybe yours doesn't, but mine sure as hell does!"

#2) A hitchhiker gets picked up by a semi truck driver. the hitchhiker says "Man, what a setup you got in here!"...A four foot TV, Power windows, AC, Sunroof, etc!"...what else do you have?!"...the driver responds "watch this!"...He pointed to the back of the cab and there was a monkey in there just going about his business..Then he reaches under the seat and pulls out a baseball bat and hit the monkey as hard as he could on the head...The monkey immediately jumped up front and gave the driver a blowjob!!..."WOW!!, that's great!" the hitchhiker said..."Would you like to try it?" asked the driver..."Yes!" replied the hitchhiker..."Just don't hit me in the head as hard as you hit that monkey."

#3) A white police officer pulls over three black guys in a speeding car...He walks up to the car on the drivers side and tells the driver to roll down the window...As soon as the window is rolled down the officer balls up his fist and punches the black guy in the face!!..."Man, what you do that for?!!" asked the driver..."because you didn't have your license ready!"said the cop...The cop then walks over to the passenger side and tells him to roll down the window...No sooner is the window rolled down, the cop balls up his fist again and punches the black guy on the passenger side in the face as hard as he could..."Man, what did you do that for"?!!..asked the passenger...."because you didn't have the registration ready!" said the cop...finally, he goes to the back door and tells the gentleman in there to roll down the window...Once again, as soon as the window is rolled down, the officer makes a fist and BAM! punches him in the face also as hard as he could...The black guy in the backseat goes "Man, why did you do that?!!"...And the officer replies.."That is so when you guys are driving down the road, you don't say "I WISH THAT MUTHA F*CKA WOULD OF HIT ME!"


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## philbert (Mar 8, 2007)

1. 3/10
2. 2/10
3. 2/10


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

stop with the rating buisness already

the first two made me chuckle. the third one went straight over my head


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Hi Trigger!
glad you liked them!...well, the last one is a "ghetto" thing here in the states...to keep it simple and sweet as it pertains to the punch line, usually you hear a lot of black people use that phrase when they try to act "tough" or "ghetto" or "thuggish" or "hip-hop" or like a "hood"...Usually in association with the cops and police brutality..For example, there have been many cases at social events, nightclubs, sporting events, any special occassion, etc, etc...where there have been racial conflicts and fights with blacks and whites...usually, it's the black guy that doesn't get into a fight that does all the "sh*t" talking with his buddies hence the catch phrase which is used quite often "I wish that mutha f*cka would have hit me"...It's a yank thing my friend!..LOL!


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

In my case its always the black people starting the fights and the white kids getting scared.


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

oh haha i get it. we have something similar over here too. thanks for the explanation


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

In england all of the gangster black guys says "YO BLAD WTF BLAD". blad as in blood am i rite?


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

omg hahaha.

yes blad does mean blood. as in blood brothers.

however the black kids dont say that. thats a white wannabe gangster living on council estates who say that


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A joke for da' brotha's!

A black man and a white man are having an open dialogue on race relations...the conversation gets pretty heated and then the black man says:

"When I am born, I am black"
"When I grow up, I am black"
"When I am sick, I am black"
"When I am in the sun, I am black"
"When I am cold, I am black"
"When I die, I am black"

you on the other hand....

"When you are born, you are pink"
"When you grow up, you are white"
"When you are sick, you turn green"
"When you go out in the sun, you get red"
"When you are cold, you turn blue"
"When you die, you get purple"

" AND YOU HAVE THE F*CKIN' NERVE TO CALL ME COLORED!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel uneasy; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so much better and it would make me very happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries..

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Be careful what you ask for!

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out.. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord,

Amen.'


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

^^^HAHA thats great


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 
"I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

************************************* *****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started....


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## Plowboy (Apr 9, 2008)

^^^ That last post is the best thing that happened to the internet since lol cats and bullsnake.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Thanks plowboy and Nick!..My inventory is starting to get slim but I'll keep posting as I keep finding them!


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## Boobah (Jan 25, 2005)

i just got this one so i'll throw one in:

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she Was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, But on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes Washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife Orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it Was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes Were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from THE SOUTH. He ordered her to Keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, And hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he Didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by The third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a Little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he Could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has Some difficulty when he urinates.

*alter it to wherever you live to make your woman laugh.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

^^ that one is soo good. hahah


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

thanks triggerlover!..that was an instant classic!...funny thing is, my cousin who sent to me is a staunch republican and I am a diehard democrat!..but he does have a sense of humor...Unfortunately, every family gathering whether it be holidays and/or special occassions we ALWAYS get into fights because sure as hell as god made little green apples, politics always gets brought up in the conversation...It's like the proverbial big elephant in the room...no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you just can't!...Having said that, we called a truce (after 35+plus years of bickering and fighting)...No more political talk at our gatherings..It's strictly off limits....no and's, if's or but's about it.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Subject: A group of 40-year old buddies

A group of 40-year old buddies discuss and re-discuss where they should meet for dinner . . . ?

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should go to the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at age 60, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet . . . and, finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

A decade after, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Another ten years go by and at 80 years of age, the group meets again and, after a long discussion, they decide to meet for dinner at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea since they have never been there before.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

^^^ priceless!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Thanks EZ Money!..I got several more!...I'll keep 'em coming as I find them!


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

EZmoney said:


> ^^^ priceless!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A guy sees a medical doctor about his stuttering problem...The doctor examines him thoroughly and then concludes and says " WOW!..Your penis enoromous!...It's throwing your whole body off and disturbing the equilibrium...Furthermore, it's weighing down your vocal chords which is the direct cause of the stuttering!...You'll be fine if you let me cut off 6 inches or so"...the patient agrees and gets the surgery done....Well, needless to say, a month later the patient comes back to the doctor and tells him point blank..."Well, I don't stutter anymore but all of my girlfriends have left me"..."Quite frankly, it wasn't worth it...Please sew it back on!"....the doctor replies..."F-F-F-FUK Y-Y-Y-YOU!!!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

This is not a joke, but an absolutely amazing mind trick!!...I love it and I'm pretty sure you guys (and gals







) will too!...I do magic part time and I can't figure out how this works!...Try it out!..Enjoy!

http://www.onemorelevel.com/game/amazing_mind_reader


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## Domelotta (Apr 25, 2007)

Da said:


> This is not a joke, but an absolutely amazing mind trick!!...I love it and I'm pretty sure you guys (and gals
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The symbols change each time. The only possible answers are 4, 5, 6, 9, 13, 17, 18, 19, 27, 30, 36, 38, 43, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, & 95 and they're always the same symbol as one another...at least I think.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Hi Domelotta,
yeah, I figured that part of it out about the possible answers...however, that doesn't explain how the corresponding symbol is always correct when there are at least 16 symbols to choose from...What is even more mind boggling, is that I tried to cheat and give an INCORRECT answer (purposely done) and the pic/symbol was NOT the correct one!...It's like the damn computer read my mind and caught me cheating!!...


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A black guy is walking down an alley and sees a magic Genie lamp laying on the ground...He reads the inscription and sees the words Eisenberg, Rosenberg, Cohen, Manischewitz, Greenberg, etc, etc...So he rubs the lamp and out comes the Genie...The Genie says "I'll grant you three wishes, master"...The black guy responds "Well, first of all, I want lots of money!"..."Done" replies the Genie..."You have two more wishes left"...The black man ponders this for a second and then tells the Genie.. "I wish I were white and could get a lot of p*ssy"!!!...the Genies says "Consider it done!"..and then BOOM! ZAP!...the Genie turned the black guy into a tampon!!....Now what is the moral of the story?!...You can never make a deal with a Jew without any strings being attached!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A blonde and a brunette are having some drinks at the local bar...It's roughly 11:00 PM and the bartender puts on the news channel...The TV Screen shows a woman getting ready to jump off a building and commit suicide!...the brunette then turns around and tells the blonde "I'll bet you $100 she jumps off and kills herself!"..."NO WAY!" says the blonde..."you're on!"...well, lo and behold, the woman on the building did indeed jump off and kill herself...The blonde breaks down and starts to cry and then reaches for her purse and gives the brunette her $100...the brunette, feeling a little guilty and ashamed, says.."I have a small confession to make..I already saw this on the 5:00 PM news earlier this afternoon and that is why I knew she was going to jump."...the blonde replies " Yeah, I saw it too, but I didn't think she was going to do it again!"


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## CuzIsaidSo (Oct 13, 2009)

A father is sitting down drinking a beer his son comes up and asks him for a beer so the father asks "Can your dick touch your asshole" the son says no, so the father says "Than your not a grown man and you can't have a beer"....Later that day the son is sitting down and eating some cookies and the father walks by and asks the son for a cookie so the son asks "Can your dick touch your asshole" the father says "Yeah I'm a grown man" the son replys "Then go f*ck yourself these are my cookies"


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## skylute3 (Nov 30, 2007)

Got a genie joke.

3 brothers, 2 being a teacher, the other one "special" have been walkin in the desert lost for days.. hungry, thirsty,tired, and having not much hope of survival they find shelter in a cave......they found a lamp, and the oldest brother rubbed it. Out popped a genie. He says I can grant u each one wish. Oldest brother wishes to be back at home with his loving family and poof he's gone.. 2nd brother wished he too was at home eating a hot meal and poof he's gone. The special brother then wishes he had his 2 brothers there to keep him company.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A super short quickie but funny as hell!....

Two condoms are walking down a street in a shady part of town, when they both decide to go into a gay bar...One condom turns to the other and says "HEY BUDDY!!!...TIME TO GET SH*T FACED!!!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A few classic question and answer jokes!..the first one is for the over 40 crowd who remembers the phone commercials from the late 70's and early to mid 80's....

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?!
A: A thirty foot c*ck that wants to reach out and touch someone!

Q: What do you get when you cross the pillsbury dough boy with Raggedy Ann?!
A: A redheaded bitch with yeast infection!

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?!
A: To keep their ankles warm!

Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?!
A: Once on their backs, their both screwed!

Q: What do blondes and computers have in common?!
A: You don't appreciate either of them until one of them goes down on you!

Q: How do you kill one hundred flies at one time?!
A: Smash an Eithopian's face with a frying pan!


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## Plowboy (Apr 9, 2008)

Da said:


> This is not a joke, but an absolutely amazing mind trick!!...I love it and I'm pretty sure you guys (and gals
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how domelotta figured in 4,5 and some of the others, but he got the concept right. The only numbers that it should go back to every time are 9, 18,27,36,45,54,63,72, and 81. All of those numbers will have the same symbol. The game just uses a different symbol for all of those numbers every time it reloads the page.

Open the link again and check out that list of numbers I gave you. All the symbols for that list of numbers will be the same.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Plowboy said:


> This is not a joke, but an absolutely amazing mind trick!!...I love it and I'm pretty sure you guys (and gals
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm not sure how domelotta figured in 4,5 and some of the others, but he got the concept right. The only numbers that it should go back to every time are 9, 18,27,36,45,54,63,72, and 81. All of those numbers will have the same symbol. The game just uses a different symbol for all of those numbers every time it reloads the page.

Open the link again and check out that list of numbers I gave you. All the symbols for that list of numbers will be the same.
[/quote]

Excellent work, Plowboy...the old number nine theory!!...LOL!..It was so obvious, that I completely overlooked it!..I have a similar mind reading that I perform that uses the same exact principle.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A mother and her daughter are walking down a nature trail and just happen to see two deer making out!..The little girls exclaims "Mommy! Mommy!...what are those two deer doing?!"...The Mom quickly steps in front of the girl and blocks her view and replies "OH, they are just making sandwiches!"...they start down the trail again when lo and behold, they see two stray dogs doing the nasty!...Once again, the little girl blurts out "Mommy! Mommy!...what are those two dogs doing?!"...Once again, the mom blocks the girl's view and remarks "OH, they are just making sandwiches!"....Well later that night, the mom tucks her daughter in bed and then goes to sleep...about an hour later, as most parents do, the mom checks in to see how the kid is doing...the girl suddenly wakes up and sees her mom and says "Mommy! Mommy!...you and daddy have been making sandwiches, haven't you?!"..."Well Yes dear", replies the mom with the upmost bewilderment and amazment...and then says "But how did you know?"...the little girl replies "Because there is Mayonnaise on your lip!"


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)




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## Murphy18 (Oct 17, 2008)

Da said:


> This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
> 
> Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
> 
> ...


Very good!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

In honor of Murphy18, and with St. Patricks Day being just around the corner, I always think of this cute song my old man taught me when I was a little kid!...Come on everybody!...Sing it out loud!...

TWO IRISH MEN, TWO IRISH MEN, WERE DIGGING IN A DITCH, ONE CALLED THE OTHER ONE A DIRTY, STINKIN', SON OF A

PETER MURPHY HAD A DOG, VERY FINE DOG WAS HE, GAVE IT TO HIS NEIGHBOR TO KEEP HER COMPANY!..SHE FED IT, SHE FED IT, SHE FED IT ON A ROCK!...ALONG CAME A BUMBLEBEE AND STUNG IT ON IT'S

COCKTAIL, GINGER ALE, FIVE CENTS A GLASS!..IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS SONG, YOU CAN STICK IT UP YOUR

ASK ME NO QUESTIONS, AND I'LL TELL YOU NO LIES, IF SOMEBODY THROWS A BUCKET OF sh*t, BE SURE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

another funny poem...I should have posted this around christmas time...an oldie, but a goodie!

Twas the night before christmas when all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!

With Grandma at the whorehouse, and dad smoking grass, I just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I heard a big clatter, jumped off my piece to see what was the matter!

Sure enough, I saw a big dick! I knew at that moment it was that bastard St. Nick!

He came down the chimney like a bat of hell, I knew right away that fat fuc*er fell!

He filled the stockings with joints and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer!

He said "ho, ho, ho!" "this is fun"!..he shot his big mouth off like a tommy gun!

So I put a shotgun upto his ass, I told him to get the fu*k out of here or there is going to be a big blast!

He went up through the house with a tremendous fart, the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all! it was one hell of a night!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Tuesday March 16, 2010

Subject: I have Arrived!

To My Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS.....Sure is hot down here!


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)




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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ''Hey, I no come work

today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no

come work.''

The boss says, ''You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you

today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to

give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.... You try

that!''

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. ''I do what you say and I feel great!

I be at work soon. You got nice house.''


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Some more blonde jokes....some goodies in here!....

#1)Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

#2)FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

#3)CAR 
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the 
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

#4)SPEEDING 
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. 
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

#5)RIVER 
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

#6)AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

#7)KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

#8)BLONDE 
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

#9)IN A 
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

#10)FINALLY, 
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Hey, I've got to be impartial when it comes to political jokes!....









Subject: FW: Lesson

The last four letters in American.... ....I Can

The last four letters in Republican.. .....I Can

The last four letters in Democrats... ....Rats

End of Lesson


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize the weather is terrible out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But, about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, of course I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er..., happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um..., yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'

'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL , YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE...

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED..."WHAT DID YOU TEACH"???


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## notaverage (Sep 10, 2005)

Domelotta said:


> This is not a joke, but an absolutely amazing mind trick!!...I love it and I'm pretty sure you guys (and gals
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The symbols change each time. The only possible answers are 4, 5, 6, 9, 13, 17, 18, 19, 27, 30, 36, 38, 43, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, & 95 and they're always the same symbol as one another...at least I think.
[/quote]

Every multiple of 9 is the same symbol.
Look at that and everytime you get your answer thats the symbol it will be.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

yeah, the answer was so obvious that I completely overlooked it!...







(originally)...Anyhow, there are only a certain number of possible answers and the symbol changes each time for those possible answers...That is where the "cause and effect" comes in...because it seems like it really is reading your mind...That is why if you try and trick it and deliberately make up a false answer, the "trick" doesn't work.


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

A Greek and an Italian are chilling together and talking about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. 
Suddenly, the Greek guy interjects that his people have had the greatest impact on humanity's progress.
Italian: How do you figure that?
Greek: Well, we created philosophy, and critical thinking is the greatest separation between man and animals!
Italian: Sure, I'll give you that, however Italians created architecture that is still used today. That is a far greater accolade.
Greek: Yes, that is a notable impact! But remember that architecture is based on geometry which is another Greecian claim to fame.
Italian: meh! Italian cuisine is enjoyed by everyone around the world. That is a true global impact.
Greek: Oh yeah?!!?! Well, we introduced the world to the pleasures and enjoyment of SEX!!!
Italian: True. However, we introduced the world to the pleasures and enjoyment of sex with women.

ba-dump bump!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

It's all good EZ....I can dish it and I can take it...Besides, I've got a sense of humor....Here's a couple of good greek quickie jokes.....

Q: How do the Greeks seperate the "Men" from the "Boys"?!
A: With a crowbar!

Q: What is the Greek Army's Motto?!
A: "Lets attack from the rear!!!"

Q: Why do most Greek men have moustaches?!
A: They want to take after their moms!


----------



## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

Q: What does a flat tire on an Italian car sound like? 
A: *** *** ***


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

^^^^^^...LOL!...I never had that one before!

Q: How do you break an Italian guy's finger?!
A: Punch him in the nose!

Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish radial tires?!
A: Not only do they stop on a dime, but they pick it up as well!

Q: How was copper wire invented?!
A: Two Jews fighting over a penny!

Q: What do you name a Jewish guy's daughter?!
A: Penny!

Q: Why do most Jewish guys wear plain yarmulke on their heads?!
A: Because the propellers are extra!


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## Murphy18 (Oct 17, 2008)

Da said:


> In honor of Murphy18, and with St. Patricks Day being just around the corner, I always think of this cute song my old man taught me when I was a little kid!...Come on everybody!...Sing it out loud!...
> 
> TWO IRISH MEN, TWO IRISH MEN, WERE DIGGING IN A DITCH, ONE CALLED THE OTHER ONE A DIRTY, STINKIN', SON OF A
> 
> ...


HAHAA!!

I can imagine Jimmy Mcnulty and Bunk hammered at Kavanaghs Pub singin this


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

My new favorite joke:

Guy walks into a pub with a pie on his head.

Barman asks "why are you wearing a pie on your head?"

Guy replies "I always wear a pie on my head on tuesday"

Barman "It's only monday though mate"

Guy "Oh ****, i must look so stupid"

and

Guy walks into a bar with a carrot in each ear.

A guy walks up to him with a somewhat befuddled look on his face and says, "Excuse me mate, but if you don't mind me asking, why do you have carrots in your ears?"

So the guy says, "Sorry, I can't hear you I've got carrots in my ears."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

P-Dan's Extraterrestrial thread brought back an oldie, but goodie that I just remembered!

Q: Why does ET have three balls?!
A: Because he is the EXTRA-TESTICLE!

Q: Why do tampons have strings on them?!
A: So the crabs can go bungee jumping!

Q: Part 2..why do tampons have strings on them?!
A: So you can floss after you eat!

An elementary school teacher is asking her class where do the kids parent's hide their christmas presents..Little Sara raises up her hand first..."Go ahead, Sara" replies the teacher.."My mommy hides the presents in the Attic!"..The teacher responds "Why is that, Sara?!"...Sara says "Because I'm never allowed to go up there around christmas time"!...the teachers applauds and thanks Sara...Then little Juan raises up his hand..."Go ahead, Juan" remarks the teacher.."My parents hide the presents in the Basement!"..Once again, the teacher says "Why is that, Juan?!"...Juan responds "Because I'm not allowed down there around Christams time"...The teacher applauds and thanks Juan...Finally, little Tyrone raises up his hand..The teacher replies "Go ahead, Tyrone!"...Tyrone says "My daddy hides my Christmas present inside his pants!"..The teacher had a surprised and shocked look on her face and then asks Tyrone why does he say that...Tyrone then replies "Because last year I asked for a ten speed bike, and he told me..Tyrone then grabs his crotch and replies.."YEAH!.I GOT YOUR 10-SPEED RIGHT HERE!!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, 
I don't drink water, because fish sh*t in it..

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: 
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t! There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!


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## Nick G (Jul 15, 2007)

guy from avatar walks into a bar. bartender says "why the blue face?"
"
wesley snipes walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the black face?"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." 
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Well this not a joke, but something very interesting and worthwhile to say the least..My cousin sent it to me and I haven't had time to research the facts so I don't know the validity of it or not...But it did open up my eyes...However, I've never used margarine anyways so it's a rather moot point!...









This is more than interesting . . . 
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. 
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavourings.

DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting! 
Both have the same amount of calories. 
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to 5 grams for margarine. 
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study. 
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods. 
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and only because they are added! 
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods. 
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years .

And now, for Margarine.. 
Very High in Trans fatty acids. 
Triples risk of coronary heart disease . 
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) 
Increases the risk of cancers up to five times.. 
Lowers quality of breast milk. 
Decreases immune response. 
Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! 
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC... and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance). 
You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things: 
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) 
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic . Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Alo if you have paint on your body do not use varsol or paint thinner to take it off.....Use Margarine..trust me it works very well.....

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!


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## thePACK (Jan 3, 2003)

butter vs fabio


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Subject: Fw: growing up without a cell phone
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2010 16:44:52 -0400

If you are 40 or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill...Barefoot...yadda, yadda, yadda....

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!..And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror...not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent...you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Imagine the buzz kill that was!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks! And we didn't have microwaves. If you got the munchies and we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! And our parents told us to stay outside and play...all day long! Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,
'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do
you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Twin brothers were named JOE and JOHN. The single brother, JOE, was the owner of a old, decrepit, beat up boat...It also happened that JOHN's wife died the same day that JOE's boat sank!..A few days later, a kindly old lady met JOE on the street and mistaking him for JOHN said, "OH, I'm sorry to hear about your great loss, you must feel terrible!!"..Then JOE spoke up and said "Well, I'm not the least bit worried, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish and even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I've ever seen!.."She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front..The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything!!"..the old lady started gasping at this point...JOE continued.."But this is what finished her..Four guys from the other side of town, looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them..I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyhow. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. It was too much for her, and she cracked up right in the middle and that was the end of her!"...At this point, the old lady continued gasping frantically and then fainted!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Subject: ITALIAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Italian goes into an elevator, looks up and

sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the

little Italian staring at him, he looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350

pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."

The little white Italian faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say
to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown."

The little white Italian says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"


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## spec-v (Feb 27, 2005)

Two condoms walk into a bar and then notice it is a gay bar, the one turns to the other and says I guess we are getting sh*t faced tonight..


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

^^^^^^an oldie but a goodie, Spec-V!..here's a few more quickies:

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?!

A: Because she was fukin' Goofey!

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pulled down his pants?!

A: Because he heard the snowblower coming!

Q: Did you hear about the man with 5 penises?!

A: He said his pants fit like a glove!

Q: How do you babysit a black kid?!

A: Put Velcro on the ceiling and put him up head first!

Q: How do you get him back down?!

A: Tell a bunch of Mexican kids it's a Pinata!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Subject: HUSBAND DOWN IN AISLE 25

On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. 
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans!" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!"


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## Guest (Jul 23, 2010)

^^^ HA! Thats a good one


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## Davebod89 (May 4, 2010)

hahaaa love it! might have to steal that one


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

ksls said:


> hahaaa love it! might have to steal that one


thanks Dave!...Anytime, my friend!..Your purple diamond rhom rocks like a SLAYER concert!!!...


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Here is one my Republican cousin sent to me!...It's all good!..I can take it and I can dish it!...Both of us have a sense of humor, so it's all good!..Proper credit given to sources!

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 
--- Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 
--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. 
--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. 
The other is for housing prisoners. 
--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! 
--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. 
--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. 
--- David Letterman


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my GREEN HAT that I got from Newsmax when I had subscribed to the magazine.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat. Try it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

View attachment 195571


It also works at the DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

^^^ haha Da'Man!
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver 
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took 
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, 
And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she 
Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things 
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee..'


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.. 
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail 
and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' 
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' 
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter..'


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

I was at the store yesterday and I ran into Tarzan!

I asked him how it was going and if he was into making anymore movies.

View attachment 195573


He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had severe

arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from vine to tree.

View attachment 195574


I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a nursing

home, has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes anyone. How sad.

View attachment 195575


I asked about Boy and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city,

got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol, and the only times he

heard from him was when he was in trouble or needed something.

View attachment 195576


I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good. She married

a lawyer, had gotten some plastic surgery, and now lived in the White House!

View attachment 195579
View attachment 195580


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

Now thats pretty racist and distasteful but hell its P-Fury anything goes on this site.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Only meant as a joke and a for a good laugh...not meant to be taken seriously...the one thing about you SYM is your inconsistency...One minute, your a tree-huggin, fun-lovin, can't we all get along hippie and then next minute your a racist, sexist, internet tough guy wannabe gangsta!..you keep me in stitches, you uncircumsized philistine!...


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## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
​


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A Chinese man and a Jew are at a bar drinking beers and conversing...All of the sudden, the Jew balls up his fist and BAM!...slugs the Chinese guy right in the face!...the Chinese guy gets up and rubs his face, and then turns around and says to the Jew.."What in the hell was that for?!"...the Jew replies..."that was for Pearl Harbor!"...the Chinese man says.."NO, NO,...that's Japanese, me Chinese!"...the Jew replies..."AW, Hell!...Chinese, Japanese!!..what's the damn difference!!"....so things settle down and they continue to drink some more and then out of the blue, the Chinese guys balls up his fist and punches the Jew right in the face...the Jew comes to, dazed and confused, and then turns around and tells the Chinese man..."What in the hell was that for?!"....The Chinese guy replies.."That was for the sinking of the titanic!"...The Jew says.."HUH!!??...That was an iceberg!"...The Chinese guy says..."AW, Hell!...Iceberg, Rosenberg!...what's the damn difference!!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.............*AND*

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

CHICKEN BOB

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal." He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a couple of hard smacks on the back of his head, opened his eyes and heard..."BOB, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

9 Annoying things about people.....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'. Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


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## [email protected]° (Jun 16, 2004)

Confucius Say: Shotgun wedding is wife or death situation


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

[email protected]° said:


> Confucius Say: Shotgun wedding is wife or death situation


Confucius also say:

#1)Man who go to bed with itchy A$$hole, wake up with smelly finger!

#2)Boy who play with girl during her period, get caught red-handed!

#3)Man who lay woman on ground, have "peace" on earth!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Some more fun facts...Once again, I didn't verify them on scopes or anything like that so take them for face value!.....

"Stewardesses" 
is the longest word typed with only the left hand 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
And "lollipop" 
is the longest word typed with your right hand.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, 
but our nose and ears never stop growing. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" 
uses every letter of the alphabet.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The words 'racecar,' 
'kayak' , 'madam', 'pop,' 'mom', 'dad', and 'level', etc. 
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

= = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
A snail can sleep for three years.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Almonds are a member of the peach family. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 
(I know some people like that also) 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The cruise liner, QE 2

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 
(Good thing he did that.) 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
There are more chickens than people in the world. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!! 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
Now you know (a little) more than you did before!! 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A quickie but a goodie!...









A husband and wife are seeking professional help for their marital woes and problems...They are both seated on a couch, and the psychologist pulls up a chair and starts off by asking them "Well, first things first"...He then turns and looks directly at the husband and then asks.."What are the things that you and your wife have in common?"..."Well"...answers the husband..."Neither of us sucks dick!"


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT
( Republicans will love this one!)

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him..The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that Jesus over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me!!!.. I'm collecting disability!!!"


----------



## EZmoney (May 13, 2004)

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister,
have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)




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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Instant classic, EZ!...







.....


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## Pirambeba (Feb 1, 2010)

hahahah!!


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## [email protected]° (Jun 16, 2004)

How children see the world

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear


----------



## [email protected]° (Jun 16, 2004)

After every flight UPS pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way UPS is the only major airline that has never ever had an accident.
　
　
　
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? . I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


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## Sacrifice (Sep 24, 2006)

The UPS flight list had me rolling!!!!!

Hey Da'Manster can you come outside and give me a push...LOL!!!!!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

View attachment 196791


Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of 
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are 
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State 
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Click on the gifs for proper resolution.

View attachment 197819


View attachment 197820


Judging Others 
An elephant asked a camel, "why are your breasts on your back? "

"Well", said the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face. "


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the boy replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The boy had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. "

The little boy replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

lame


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....When he finally got to the counter and said, "Hi. You know....I just HATE drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job!" The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent....We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter....You'll have to drive her around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes...."Because of the long hours, room & board & meals will be provided....You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips....This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges, since the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" ....The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it!"


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Some funny proofreading errors!..(supposedly true and from various newspapers)...headlines in bold.

Subject: Proofreading

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
*Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter *

Comment: Is this really possible?!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says *

Comment: No crap, really? Ya think? 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers *

Comment: Now that's taking things a bit far!

----------------------------------------------------------- 
*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over *

Comment: What a guy! 
---------------------------------------------------------------

*Miners Refuse to Work after Death *

Comment: No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant *

Comment: See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
----------------------------------------------------------

*War Dims Hope for Peace *

Comment: I can see where it might have that effect! 
----------------------------------------------------------------

*If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile *

Comment: Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures *

Comment: Who would have thought! 
----------------------------------------------------------------

*Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide *

Comment: No sh*t, Sherlock!..They may be on to something! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges *

Comment: You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
----------------------------------------------------------

*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge *

Comment: He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------

*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group *

Comment: Weren't they fat enough?! 
-----------------------------------------------

*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft *

Comment: That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
---------------- ---------------------------------

*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks *

Comment: Do they taste like chicken? 
-----------------------------------------------------

*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
*
Comment: Boy, those are some tall doctors! 
--------------------------------------------------------

And the winner is....

*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
*
Comment: Did I read that right?


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

SOME IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for

I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me

the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car

payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth

it.

10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from

bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on

the same night.


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## Smoke (Sep 8, 2010)




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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

My cousin just emailed me this!..Instant classic!...Funny as sh*t!!....









*WHY SHARKS CIRCLE BEFORE ATTACKING *

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Now this funny...as in PHUNNY!...







...Not sure if it's true or not, but still mindboggling!...Even Scopes didn't refute it....

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in
endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every
night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but
he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make
$618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX
($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and
endorsement money, they would have to do it
at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round
of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for
that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100- meter dash in the
Olympics, and about
$15,600 during the Boston Marathon .

This year, he'll make more than twice as much
as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their
terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However...
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next
500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has
at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins .....


----------



## CuzIsaidSo (Oct 13, 2009)




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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

INDIAN WINTER

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter
was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of
firewood!"


----------



## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Subject: Proud to be an American

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have

enjoyed all of that beer and received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!...Eat, Drink, and be Merry fellow P-Furians!..


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and
saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does
he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno "


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Nursing Home Sex

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. 
Every night after dinner, He goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" 
"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

The madam opened the brothel door in Weatherford Texas, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. 
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?

The man replied, ' Fort Worth '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Fort Worth .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your mother died, and I am her attorney. 
Your sister asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

but you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "


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## His Majesty (Apr 5, 2005)

^







old bat deserved it


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Thanks HM!...Here's another good one!...









Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross, but none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 
"My poor fellow, don't you understand??

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.

People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Got this from Bob on Bullsnakes funny pic thread!...Instant classic and funny as sh*t!...for those that might have missed it......


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A frog goes into a Credit Union and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the CU manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The CU manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack!..Give the frog a loan!...His old man's a Rolling Stone!"


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## Wide_Eyed_Wanderer (Aug 22, 2006)

Wow one of the gayest jokes ever ^ kill yo self!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Danny Tanner said:


> Wow one of the gayest jokes ever ^ kill yo self!


Hey Dt!









Q: How do you leave an A$$hole in suspense?

A: I'll tell you tommorrow!....


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Have you ever seen a baby porcupine?

























Fable of the porcupine:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!


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## Piranha Dan (Nov 11, 2007)

A rapist, a homophobe and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Oh my God it's Kobe Bryant! Can I have your autograph?"


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## Bawb2u (May 27, 2004)

^^^


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

Piranha Dan said:


> A rapist, a homophobe and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Oh my God it's Kobe Bryant! Can I have your autograph?"


good one Dan!..post more if you got 'em!...I always encourage fellow P-Furians to contribute!...







....A couple of old Michael Jackson jokes...I'm not sure if I posted them on here on not.

Q: What does Michael Jackson and JC Penny's have in common?

A: They both have boys pants half off!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson wants to buy the Dallas Cowboys?

A: He heard that they had two good tight ends and the rest of the team sucks!


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## Da' Manster! (Sep 1, 2009)

A quickie:

*******: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

*******: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*

==================================================================================================

Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs&#8230;

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: 
"I want all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: 
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say: 
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,";
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: 
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings&#8230;"

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: 
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : 
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." 
(Now, that is beautiful!)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: 
"You guys line up alphabetically by height&#8230;" And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: 
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: 
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: 
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: 
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." 
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: 
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?';
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: 
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: 
"I can go to my left or right&#8230; I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips. 
Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.


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## g4life (Oct 28, 2011)

Da said:


> A small Southwestern Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
> 
> While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,******* intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most ********, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
> 
> ...


that was funny keep em coming got to use that joke soon.


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