# Come and tell us your funniest joke



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

ok heres mine

jewlz is so ugly the docter slapped his mom when he was born 
AHAHAHA SUX


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

* crickets chirping *


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

well i gave it my best shot


----------



## boxer (Sep 11, 2003)

slipx is so ugly that his parents threw him to the wall and the wall threw him back


----------



## Ms_Nattereri (Jan 11, 2003)

If this is just going to be a thread bashing members...consider it closed.


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

no it wont be but bashing others sry lol boxer so ugly that when he was born his mom slaped him before the docter slapped his mom


----------



## MoeMZA (Feb 19, 2004)

Ms Nattereri is SO STRONG, she gargles Peanut Butter.


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

ok any one got any funny jokes? real ones


----------



## Ms_Nattereri (Jan 11, 2003)

Re-opened.

Sorry for the misunderstanding guys.


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

its aight mrs. natt i love u


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

A cop pulls over a nice bentley for speeding. When he gets to the window he sees a lot of buttons and becomes interested. So he asks, "wuts that button on the door for?" and the driver says, "o thats for the rear TV's", then the cops says,"wow, car mechanics think of everything nowadays!". Then the cop sees a lever and asks, "wuts that lever for?" the driver says,"thats for adjusting the seats to fit my body shape exactly." the cop says," wow, car mechanics think of everything nowadays!" then the cop sees a golf tee where the drink holder is between the two front seats, but he thinks its another lever and he asks," wow wuts that for?" and the driver says,"o well thats for resting my balls when i drive!" and the cop says, "wow car mechanics think of everything nowadays!"


----------



## Xenon (Nov 15, 2002)

slipx888's momma is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said "To be continued...."


----------



## Guest (May 12, 2004)

I don't want to say I'm skinny. But my chest is so narrow, my nipples touch!


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

slipx888 is so damn fat when he walked by the TV I missed 5 commercials...


----------



## Xenon (Nov 15, 2002)

MoeMZA said:


> Ms Nattereri is SO STRONG, she gargles Peanut Butter.


 this has prompted a new member title


----------



## Ms_Nattereri (Jan 11, 2003)

Xenon said:


> MoeMZA said:
> 
> 
> > Ms Nattereri is SO STRONG, she gargles Peanut Butter.
> ...


 Looks like were in the same boat :laugh:


----------



## MoeMZA (Feb 19, 2004)

Ms_Nattereri said:


> Xenon said:
> 
> 
> > MoeMZA said:
> ...


 ???


----------



## Enriqo_Suavez (Mar 31, 2004)

Okay, so Slipx888, Xenon, and Ms. Nattereri were sentenced to roam the desert for a week, but they each were allowed to bring one thing with them. As they were walkin into the desert, Xenon asked Ms. Natt what she brought, and she showed him her jug of water. Xenon and Slipx888 asked why she brought a jug of water, and she replied "In case I get thirsty!" Well then Ms. Natt asked about what Xenon brought, and he whipped out his bag of food. Slipx and Ms Natt asked why he brought that, and he replied, "In case I get hungry" Well, then Ms Natt and Xenon looked over at Slipx and their jaws hit the ground.... he was carrying a car door. They gave him strange looks and asked why in the world he had a door from a car. His reply: "In case I get hot I can just roll down the window"


----------



## scrapedogg (Apr 28, 2003)

ha ha ha ha That's good!


----------



## scrapedogg (Apr 28, 2003)

Ok this is a long one, but it's good so keep reading.

These two guys pass eachother in an airport terminal and both stop dead in their tracks, when they notice that they both have identical black eyes (got punched) So the first guy says to the other, "I couldn't help but notice that we've got identical black eyes, how did you get yours?"

So he answers "well I was standing in line this morning to buy my plane tickets, and the gal at the counter had the hugest nicest boobs I've ever seen....well anyway when I finally got to the front of theline, I wanted to say 'I'd liek two tickets to Pittsburgh, but I'd been staring at her chest so long, that when it came out, I said 'I'd ilke two pickets to titsburg'" and she socked me right in the eye!

the other guy (enchanted) says "wow almost the exact same thing happened to me, except I was at breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say 'honey would you please pass the post toasties' but when it came out.. I said "you f*cking bitch you ruined my life!!!" and she hit me!


----------



## Guest (May 12, 2004)

One night I walked into a bar and there was Xenon sitting between a Genie and a foot-tall pianist signing away and playing a tiny piano.

When I sat down, the Genie said, "Welcome to the Magic Genie bar! I will grant you one wish."

I said, "Okay, I'll take a million bucks." Suddenly the bar was filled with ducks, flapping and quacking and knocking everything over.

I said to Xenon, "Ducks? I don't think this genie can hear to well."

Xenon pointed sadly at the little pianists and said, "I know, I asked him for a twelve inch penis."


----------



## crazyklown89 (Aug 28, 2003)

Damn BullSnake!


----------



## Xenon (Nov 15, 2002)

Bullsnake said:


> One night I walked into a bar and there was Xenon sitting between a Genie and a foot-tall pianist signing away and playing a tiny piano.
> 
> When I sat down, the Genie said, "Welcome to the Magic Genie bar! I will grant you one wish."
> 
> ...


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

Slippx your momma is so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes


----------



## Bigkrup444 (Oct 6, 2003)

this one isnt that good but it was the first one i thought of

A man walks into a bar and takes a sit. He reaches into my pocket and pulls out a small piano and places it on the bar, then he reaches back into his pocket and pulls out a lil man and puts him on the bar, the lil man sits and starts playin the paino. this catches the bartenders attention. The bartenders asked the man where he got him. The man replys i have a genie and i wished for him. The bar tender offers the man $100 dollars but the man refuses to sell the genie. an hours later the man was starting to get a lil drunk and the bar tender offers $500 for the genie and the man still refuses. Another hour passes and the bartender offers $1000 for the genie and the man agrees and gives the bartender the genie. The bartenders than says genie i wish for a million bucks and a million ducks fall outta the sky. The bartenders get mad and asks teh man whats up with that genie i wished for a million bucks and i got a million ducks. The man replies o0o0 i forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing You dont think i really wished for a 12 inch pianst do you?


----------



## Xenon (Nov 15, 2002)

Jewelz is such a *******, he thinks the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."


----------



## Xenon (Nov 15, 2002)

Bigkrup444 said:


> this one isnt that good but it was the first one i thought of
> 
> A man walks into a bar and takes a sit. He reaches into my pocket and pulls out a small piano and places it on the bar, then he reaches back into his pocket and pulls out a lil man and puts him on the bar, the lil man sits and starts playin the paino. this catches the bartenders attention. The bartenders asked the man where he got him. The man replys i have a genie and i wished for him. The bar tender offers the man $100 dollars but the man refuses to sell the genie. an hours later the man was starting to get a lil drunk and the bar tender offers $500 for the genie and the man still refuses. Another hour passes and the bartender offers $1000 for the genie and the man agrees and gives the bartender the genie. The bartenders than says genie i wish for a million bucks and a million ducks fall outta the sky. The bartenders get mad and asks teh man whats up with that genie i wished for a million bucks and i got a million ducks. The man replies o0o0 i forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing You dont think i really wished for a 12 inch pianst do you?


 tsk tsk tsk.

Somebody doesnt read the thread before posting. Bullsnakes rendition was much funnier.


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

Bigkrup444 said:


> this one isnt that good but it was the first one i thought of
> 
> A man walks into a bar and takes a sit. He reaches into my pocket and pulls out a small piano and places it on the bar, then he reaches back into his pocket and pulls out a lil man and puts him on the bar, the lil man sits and starts playin the paino. this catches the bartenders attention. The bartenders asked the man where he got him. The man replys i have a genie and i wished for him. The bar tender offers the man $100 dollars but the man refuses to sell the genie. an hours later the man was starting to get a lil drunk and the bar tender offers $500 for the genie and the man still refuses. Another hour passes and the bartender offers $1000 for the genie and the man agrees and gives the bartender the genie. The bartenders than says genie i wish for a million bucks and a million ducks fall outta the sky. The bartenders get mad and asks teh man whats up with that genie i wished for a million bucks and i got a million ducks. The man replies o0o0 i forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing You dont think i really wished for a 12 inch pianst do you?


 good one..

haven't seen that one before...


----------



## Innes (Jan 13, 2003)

whats the differance between light and hard?

..... you can get to sleep with a light on


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

Xenon said:


> Jewelz is such a *******, he thinks the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."


 Haha you mean it's not ? Remember I live in the home of Indy 500

Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.


----------



## Dr. Giggles (Oct 18, 2003)

Why are nurses so bad at giving oral sex ? Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

Xenon said:


> Jewelz is such a *******, he thinks the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."


 hahaha, nothing against jewelz but that joke is funny


----------



## 521 1N5 (Apr 25, 2003)

Xenon said:


> slipx888's momma is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said "To be continued...."


 The thing that made that funny was the sad smiley.


----------



## a*men (Mar 23, 2004)

Bullsnake said:


> One night I walked into a bar and there was Xenon sitting between a Genie and a foot-tall pianist signing away and playing a tiny piano.
> 
> When I sat down, the Genie said, "Welcome to the Magic Genie bar! I will grant you one wish."
> 
> ...


 i don't understand it...?
(maybe beacause i don't speak english very well)


----------



## slylie (Oct 21, 2003)

a*men said:


> Bullsnake said:
> 
> 
> > One night I walked into a bar and there was Xenon sitting between a Genie and a foot-tall pianist signing away and playing a tiny piano.
> ...


 Pianist sounds like penis.. pianist being a person playing piano and penis being the piece of skin thats supposed to be between your legs.


----------



## NTcaribe (Apr 8, 2004)

one day,jimmy joe saw his buddy bubba driving a brand new pickup.bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin "bubba where'd you get that truck?" "bobby sue gave it to me"bubba replied "she gave it you ?!!, i knew she was kinda sweet and all,but a new truck?!?" well jimmy joe,let me tell you what happened we were driving out on county road 6, in the middle of nowhere,bobby sue pulled of the road threw it in 4 wheel drive and headed into the woods,she parked the truck got out and took off all her clothes and said 'bubba take whatever you want 'so i took the truck; jimmy joe then said bubba your a smart man "those clothes wouldn't of fit you


----------



## Guest (May 12, 2004)

One day a doctor looks in his waiting room and sees a man sitting a bean bag chair.

The doctor asked, "What's your problem?"

The man answered, "Doc, my hemmorhoids are killing me."

The doctor asked, "Is that why you brought a bean-bag chair?"

The man answered, "Bean-bag chair? Doc, take a closer look!!"


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

whats the differance between jesus and a picture of jesus?

you can hang the piture with one nail


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

how do you starve a man on welfare?

hide his food stamps in his work boots..


----------



## NTcaribe (Apr 8, 2004)

snappy answer #1
a stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.as a man approached,she extended her hand for the ticket,then he opened his coat and flashed her.without missing a beat she said "sir i want to see your ticket not your stub"

snappy answer#2
a lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket,but couldnt find one big enough for her family,she asked a boy stacking a shelf do these chickens get any bigger,the boy replied "no theyr'e dead"

snappy answer #3
the policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window."iv'e been waiting for you all day",the police officer said. the lad replied , yeah ,well i got here as fast as i could..after the police officer stopped laughing he let the lad go on his way

snappy answer #4
A truck driver was driving along.a sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead". before he knows it the bridge is right ahead and gets stuck under the brige.cars are backed up for miles.finally,a police car comes up,the officer gets out and walks up to the truck driver with two hands on his hip he asks "you stuck?" the trucker replies know "i was delivering this bridge but ran out of petrol"


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave kiddies houses with empty sacks!

What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
Get out of my sun!

Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

How do we know Michael is guilty?
Several children have fingered him.

What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small children. The other is used to hold groceries.

How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

What do Michael and homework have in common?
Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
"SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"

What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
Foreplay

What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
They both play ball in the Minor League.

Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
He heard there's a Youngstown there.

Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
Emily Dick in son

How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
Two 5 year olds

How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
He was feeling a little Randy


----------



## andycrazymonkey (Feb 15, 2004)

ok i'll give it my best shot....

1) why did the blonde stare at the orange carton for 10mins?

because it said concentrate

another but i have a feeling a selected few will get it....

did you here micheal jackson was accused of having an affair with victoria beckham......he denied it saying he was in brooklynn at the time


----------



## slylie (Oct 21, 2003)

Jewelz said:


> What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
> They both leave kiddies houses with empty sacks!
> 
> What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
> ...


























missed one tho...

why did MJ rush to walmart?
... he heard boys clothing was half off.


----------



## NTcaribe (Apr 8, 2004)

whats the similarities between micheal jackson and mcdonalds

they both stick their meat between 5year old buns


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

why couldnt the blond get pass her drivers test?
everytime she stopped teh car she crwaled in the back seat.

what do you call a dead blond under a bed?
hide and go seak world champion.

a blond gets pulled over for speeding but doesnt want to get a ticket so she aske the officer if there is any way she can get out of it. so the officer unzips his pants. the blond replies oh no not another breathalizer..

what do you call a blond in a suit with a suit case in a tree in front of a bank? 
branch manager..


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

oh yeah, one more:

Why doesn't Michael Jackson race horses ?
Cause he always comes in a little behind


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Will you fu*k off?!? I'm trying to take a sh*t!"


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

what did the dumb def blind kid get for christmas?

cancer


----------



## crazyklown89 (Aug 28, 2003)

One day, there was a blonde driving down the empty highway in Kansas gazing out at the beautiful fields of wheat. When suddenly she sees some other blonde in a rowboat in one of the fields of wheat. Blonde #1 gets out of the car and calls out "What the hell are you doing?" Blonde #2 replies "I'm rowing in a sea of wheat!" Upon hearing this Blonde #1 got angry and yelled out "It's dumbasses like you who give us blondes bad names!! If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

One day this boy, Timmy was riding his new bike on Christmas, however a cop on a horse comes and stops Timmy. The cop says "I'm sorry son, but I'm gonna hafta give you a fine on account of you not having your helmet." Little timmy looks a bit sad and so the cop tries to cheer him up and asks "Did Santa give you that nice bike here?" Jimmy sadly nods his head. Then he looks up and asks "Did santa give you that horse?" Trying to humor Timmy, the cop smirks and says "Sure did." To which Timmy replied "Well tell santa he got it wrong, the dick is supposed to be on the bottom not the top."


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

a blond is walking along the bank of a river when someone on the other side of the river yells across "how do i get to the other side of this river?" the blond replies "duh, your already on the other side"


----------



## Jewelz (Feb 24, 2004)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? 
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? 
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license? 
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this? 
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? 
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. 
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!


----------



## Guest (May 12, 2004)

ineedchanna said:


> "Will you fu*k off?!? I'm trying to take a sh*t!"












Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Coca Cola?

A: Coke comes in little RED cans.


----------



## NTcaribe (Apr 8, 2004)

how do you confuse a blonde???

put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner

heres one not sure how it goes but will try......

3 guys await to enter the kingdom of heaven

the 1st guy is approached by st.peter ,st.peter says "have you been a good husband?" no i really havnt i wasn't true to her the 1st man replies...so then st.peter gives him a compact car to drive around in heaven with because he was not that faithful

he then goes up to the 2nd guy "what about you?" st.peter says. the man says no sir i havn't I only loved her because she had a rich father" so then st.peter gives him a mid-size car to drive in

the 3rd man is approached by st.peter , the third man says "iv'e been faithful iv'e done everything she's ever wanted,watched what she watched,done what she wanted,hated what she hated,liked what she like,and if not was one of the most faithful husbands ever,,,so st.peter gave him a luxery car

later on all 3 men pulled up to a red light and the 3rd man was crying
the 1st and 2nd man asked "why are you crying,you have a luxery car!"

the 3rd man with the luxery car sobingly replies"its my wife,i just seen her riding a skateboard!"


----------



## scrapedogg (Apr 28, 2003)

the big bad wolf joke is awesome


----------



## 94NDTA (Jul 14, 2003)

I've got one. Bigkrupt is so stupid, he posted a joke that has allready been posted!


----------



## airtorey15 (Jun 15, 2003)

nismo driver said:


> what did the dumb def blind kid get for christmas?
> 
> cancer


 that's messed up............


----------



## Enriqo_Suavez (Mar 31, 2004)

I've heard that one about the three guys in heaven







It's a good one.


----------



## Pacuguy (Apr 10, 2004)

There is Two tomatos sitting in the oven
one turns to the other and says " Man, is it ever hot in here"
the other one replies "HOLY sh*t A TALKING TOMATO"


----------



## lemmywinks (Jan 25, 2004)

all these are so damn funny


----------



## notoriouslyKEN (Jul 31, 2003)

*Q: What did the husband tell the wife with two black eyes?*

A: Nothing, he already told her twice.









*Q: Why did Helen Kellers dog commit suicide.*

A: You would too if your name was "MMMMMMMNNNNNNNNAAAAA"

*Q: Did you hear about Helen Kellers new car?*

A: Neither did she.


----------



## Enriqo_Suavez (Mar 31, 2004)

Oh man, now that someone else started the Helen Keller jokes...

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because shes a woman.

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?

Rearrange the furniture


----------



## notoriouslyKEN (Jul 31, 2003)

one more Helen Keller then I'm done









*Q: Why does Helen Keller masterbate with one hand?*

A: So she can moan with the other.


----------



## micus (Jan 7, 2004)

umm well i hope no one is native but they are the only ones i know, so here they go

1, whats the diff between a native and a picknic table

picknic table can support a family

2. how do u circumsize slipx88

kick his sister in the jaw

3. what do u call 3 natives in a row

organized crime

4 what do u call 2 natives in a ditch

sleep over

5 how do u know a natives been in your house?

garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant

6 when is hte only time u can spit on a hindo ladies face?

when her moustache is on fire

7 how do u start a mexican parade ,?

roll a quater down the street

8 y do natives use see through garbage bags?

window shopping

9 slipx88 is so fat he has more chins that a chinese phone book

10 3 gay men are sittin in a hottub, all of a sudden everyone sees a condom float to the top , the host of the hot tub party says OK WHO FARTED

11 whats the fastes thing in the world ,

beer truck goin through a indian reserve

12 whats the second fastest in the world?

indians chasing the truck

13 whats the third fastest thing in teh world

flies chasing the indians

14 xenons mom is so fat she has to take an elevator to wipe her ass

15 how do u kill a thousand natives ?

throw a six pack of a cliff

16 how do u kill a thousand more?

tell them its still down there

17 y do natives carry sh*t in there pocket?

i . d.

thats all folks all these jokes have been told to me by various buddies at school over a period of about 10 yrs,
i am in no way a racist person these are the only jokes i know , and i didnt want to be left out 
no flames pls also i didnt even go inot my mexican jokes as i know many of u are of spanish american decent ,


----------



## micus (Jan 7, 2004)

slylie said:


> Jewelz said:
> 
> 
> > What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
> ...


 u both missed one , what does micheal jackson have in common with micdonalds, 
they both stick there meat between 10 year old buns


----------



## siclids (Mar 16, 2003)

Why was Hellen Keller's pants wet?

Because her dog was blind too.

Why didn't Hellen Keller say ouch when she fell down the stairs?

Because she was wearing mittens.

Most of you may have heard this one but here goes.

There's this magic cliff and they say if you jump off and wish for anything, your wishes will come true. The first guys runs towards the end of the cliff and jumps off yelling out "I want to become a millionaire!!!!!!" Sure enough the guy becomes a millionaire. The second guy runs towards the end of the cliff and jumps off yelling out "I want to have power and rule the world!!!!!!!" Sure enough, the guy becomes the most powerful ruler in the world. The last guy runs towards the end of the cliff, slips on a rock and yells out "OOOHHHHHH SSSHHHIIITTT!!!!!!!"


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, 
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He 
forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. " "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the 
sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So, they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the 
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the respons, "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can 
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So, he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."


----------



## jimbo (Feb 5, 2003)

What better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
Not being retarded

Why is the space between a girls boobs and her thighs called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another set of boobs in there.

Why do they call it the wonder bra?
Because when she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.


----------



## MR.FREEZ (Jan 26, 2004)

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. 
The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." 
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" 
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." 
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" 
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.


----------



## MR.FREEZ (Jan 26, 2004)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking some tampons for your wife? 
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she."


----------



## mechanic (Jan 11, 2003)

How do you know when you are on the side of town where all of the pink flamingo's live??

Just look on the lawn's for all the little plastic Italians!

Later
E


----------



## boxer (Sep 11, 2003)

2 brothers are in a car. 1 brother has been good all his life and the other has been bad. they both die in the accident and are awaiting judgement. st. peter tells the bad brother, "there are 2 pots, 1 contains honey and the other contains dog sh*t, choose 1 so you can rub it all over yourself". ofcourse the bad brother chose the honey. the good brother had no choice but to rub himself in dog sh*t. st peter than said, "now lick each other clean"


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

scrapedogg said:


> the big bad wolf joke is awesome


 hehe thanks!


----------



## siclids (Mar 16, 2003)

Frank







Where do you come up with these?


----------



## NTcaribe (Apr 8, 2004)

a mother had 3 virgin daughters. they were all getting married within a short time period,because mom was worried about how theyre sex life would start,she made them all promise to send her a post card saying how marital sex felt.The first girl sent a card from hawaii two days after the wedding and it read "nescafe"the mother was puzzled at first but then went to the cupboard and read the nescafe can and it read"good til the last drop" she was slighlty embarrased,but was pleased..The second girl sent a card from vermont a week after the wedding and the post card read"benson and hedges".mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigerretes and the pack read "extra long,king size",she was slightly embarrases but pleaseed.the third daughter left for her honeymoon in the caribean.mom waited a week,then another,then after a whole month.a card finally arrived,written on it with shaky squiggly writing it said "british airways".mom took out her harpers bazaar magazine,flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for the "british airlines".the ad said"three times a day,seven days a week,both ways.
the mother than fainted


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


----------



## dead golfish (Apr 24, 2003)

a guy walked into a psychiatrists office wearing only shrink wrap as soon as the guy walked in the psychiatrist sayed "I can clearly see your nuts!"


----------



## boxer (Sep 11, 2003)

channa and nasty typhoon


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He 
was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man 
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

There was once a kid who overheard his parents screwing. His father told his mother,"Oh, you have such nice big titties!" 
His mother told his father,"Oh, you have such a big, long c*ck!" He asked his dad what titties and cocks were. His dad Told him,"Titties are big hats that women wear, and cocks are big long coats that men wear." The next day, he overhears his parents arguing. His dad calls his mom a bit*h and his mom calls his dad a bastard. He asks his mom what a bit*h and bastard are. His mom tells him,"Well, a bit*h is a woman and a bastard is a man." It's the night of the thanksgiving dinner. He walks by the bathroom while his dad is shaving. His dad cuts himself and says,"sh*t!" He asks what sh*t is. "Oh, it's just this stuff I'm getting off my face now." He then walks into the kitchen, where his mom is stuffing the turkey. She slices her finger with a knife and says,"fu*k!" He asks what fu*k is. She tells him,"It's what I'm putting in the turkey." The guests arrive,and the kid wants to show off His new vocabulary. "Hi, there, bitches and bastards. Allow me to take your titties and cocks and hang them up for you. My daddy's in the batroom wiping the sh*t off his face and my mommy's in the kitchen fu*king the turkey."


----------



## Down (Feb 27, 2004)

A couple were invited to a costume party. While the wife knew what the husband would be wearing, she'd decided to surprise her husband on her outfit. As they were getting ready to leave for the party, the wife had a bad headache and told her husband to go on, she'd lie down for awhile and be along later if she felt better.

A couple hours later, with her headache gone, she got dressed and went to the party; only to see her her husband (since she recognized the costume) on the dance floor with several women.

She decided to see how unfaithful her hubby would be, so she began to dance with him. The dancing became more provocative, led to ear nibbling, kissing, and finally sex in the bathroom. She then went home .

Later on that evening, the husband came home, and the wife decided to see if he would fess up. She acted as if she never went, and when asked how the party was the husband said it was pretty lame. She asked if he had danced or flirted with any girls. He said "No, I thought the party was lame so me and a couple guys decided to play poker in a back room".

Enraged at his obvious lie she asked in a curt tone "Well, you must have looked real silly playing cards in your costume, huh?.

His reply:

"No, actually I loaned the costume to your father...and I hear he had one hell of a time!"


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

Down said:


> A couple were invited to a costume party. While the wife knew what the husband would be wearing, she'd decided to surprise her husband on her outfit. As they were getting ready to leave for the party, the wife had a bad headache and told her husband to go on, she'd lie down for awhile and be along later if she felt better.
> 
> A couple hours later, with her headache gone, she got dressed and went to the party; only to see her her husband (since she recognized the costume) on the dance floor with several women.
> 
> ...


 haha! good one!


----------



## con man (Mar 7, 2004)

one day a man and a woman were goin at it and low nad behold there son walks in and asks his dad wat r u doin? and the dad says u kno that little brother u always wanted?im ordering it right now...

next day the dad comes home from work to the boy crying on the porch
the dad asks wats wrong? the child replies the mailman came and ate my little brother....


----------



## anotherreject04 (Mar 16, 2004)

i dont know if this has been posted yet cause i didnt look at all 3 pages.......

one day a man is late to work, he works at a computer programing place,.....so he skips breakfast and gets in his car and heads straight to work....about 10 minutes down the highway he needs to take the biggest dump of his like...but he keeps driving cause he is already a half hour late.....after 5 more minutes of driving he cant hold it anymore and he pulls off to a gas station.....he runs inside and asks the attendent where is the bathroom....the man said around the back...and hands him a key chained to a old hubcap...the man walks in to the bathroom and goes into the only stall and pulls down his pants and lets it rip....then he reaches for the tiolet paper and to his horror there is none....above the toilet paper dispencer the following is scribbled on the wall "sorry for the inconvienence but if if wipe your ass with your fingers and stick them through this hole ----->O they will be cleaned by a human mouth....well the man thought that it is f*cking disgusting......he is already 40 minutes late for work and he sits for another 5 contiplating what do do.....use his t shirt?...his sock?....but he says oh well screw it i'm now 45 minutes late my boss is going to kill me....so he wipes his ass with his fingers and sticks them through the hole in the wall.......the gas attendent on the other side of the wall says gimme a sec. and grabs to bricks and crushes the poor mans shitty fingers .... the man yanks out his fingers and with out thinking he puts his fingers right in his mouth and starts sucking on them


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

dang ppl u must have a lot of time on ur hands to type all these long jokes lol but they all pretty godd.


----------



## Nomorewifenagginboutfish (May 7, 2003)

nasty typhoon said:


> how do you confuse a blonde???
> 
> put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner


The blonde jokes are too funny. My wife is blonde and she loves these jokes.....yeah right. Anyways, here's another blonde joke...

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the deep end of the pool.


----------



## Furgwa (Sep 23, 2003)

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette all having coffee together. The day before this they all had said that they were gonna go into there daughter's purses and snoop to see what the find. The next day they reveal the discoveries. The brunette says "I found smokes in my daughters purse! I didn't know she smoked!" 
The redhead adds, "I found alcohol in my daughters purse! I didn't know she drinks!" 
It was the Blondes turn, "Oh ya, well i found condoms in my daughters purse!! I didn't know she had a Penis!!!"


----------



## fishofury (May 10, 2003)

How did Houdini get AIDS?

Magic :laugh:


----------



## Furgwa (Sep 23, 2003)

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "i want to be a lumberjack, what do i have to do?" The barteneder says "well there are 3 things you have to do. First, you must go into the woods find the biggest tree and cut it down." The man says "thats not to bad, but what are the other two things?" The barteneder replies "well second thing you have to do is go to the top of that mountain and there is a huge grizzly bear. You must kill that bear with your bare hands. And for the third thing, down the steet you will find a rundown house, and within it is the oldest, nastiest, old slob ever. You must have sex with her!"
Confidently the man leaves the bar to start his mission. He returns that night, "well there, the tree is down."
He heads out to do the second mission, days turn to weeks and weeks to months and the bartender cannot figure what it is taking so long.
Finally the man returns with cuts all over his body, and his clothes are ripped.

The man says "ok that was rough, now where is that woman i have to fight?!?!"


----------



## nismo driver (Jan 27, 2004)

ok a hunter goes into the woods to kill a bear, after three days he finally gets one in his sights, it was kind of small but he didnt want to leave without killing a bear so he shoots it, after shooting the bear he waits a few minutes to make sure it was dead beore he got to close.. suddenly he feels a tap on his should turns around and sees a much larger bear standing over him.. then the bear says "you a**hole that was my cousin ou just shot" the hunter couldnt belive the bear was talking to him and was frozen in shock.. the bear went on "you have two options either i maul you to death right now or you can take it in the a**" the hunter thinks about it for a minute and decides if he takes it in the a** he can come back and kill this bear too so he agrees..

after several moths of recovering from his injuries the hunter prepares to go back in the woods looking for the bear that had its way with him.. after a few days he tracks down the larger black bear and shots it dead with one shot. then suddenly gets a tap on the shoulder from another larger brown brown and is given the same two options.. the hunter is in total disbelife but decides to take it like abitchagain to live and return for vengence another day...

one year later the hunter returns to the same forest in search of the large brown bear finds it shoots it dead and as luck would have it is tapped on the shoulder by another talking bear.. the bear says " you dont go to the woods just for the hunting do you?"


----------



## «PïRåñHªß¥të» (May 5, 2003)

who makes more money?a crack dealer or a prostitute?

A PROSTITIUTE-she washes her crack and sells it back


----------



## ineedchanna (May 27, 2003)

Lets keep this thing going!


----------



## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

a blonde calls a doctor and says... my boyfriend has really bad dandruff what should we do to get rid of it? The doctor replies... why dont you try head and shoulders. The next day the blonde calls the doctor again and the doctor asks... hows everything going? the blonde says... well not too bad but how do you give shoulders.


----------



## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

your mommas teeth are so yellow when she smiles traffic slows down.

your mommas so fat when she backs up her beeper goes off.

your mommas so fat when she puts on a red dress kids yell "hey koolaid"!!!


----------



## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

hears a really gross one.

a sailor who has been on a ship for 6 months finally gets a day of shore leave. not having sex for months he decides to go to a whorehouse. when he gets there a lady tells him all of the women are busy for the night. dissapointed and desperate he begs for her to help him out. the lady says... well theres agness but I have to warn you she is very old and very ugly. the sailor not even thinking twice says... ill take her. the sailor is led to agness room and when he openes the door he sees the most duscusting looking old women he has ever seen. so he figures this is all he can get he'll just keep the lights off. he proceeds to try to have sex with her but he cant get it in because she is so dry so she tells him to wait a second and she rolls over for a few seconds and then says try again and he puyts it in and its the most moist wonderfull feeling hes ever felt. when he finishes he says wow that was great what did you use some kind of special lube? agness says no I just picked off the scabs and let the puss run.


----------



## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

whats the difference between santa clause and a smart blond???

one doesnt exist the other wears a red suit.


----------



## rbp75 (May 2, 2004)

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years."Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.""When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.""No problem," he says. And in they go.Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"


----------



## slipx888 (Nov 19, 2003)

bump

keepem comin


----------

