# Joke thread



## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Well, as per PinK's request, here's the joke thread (farts too, sorry NJ)

First joke:

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says

(ok this is good)

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."


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## C0Rey (Jan 7, 2006)

why did ace cross the road?


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

I had no choice, the gravity of slckr's head propelled me across.


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## C0Rey (Jan 7, 2006)

haha you deleted my post!!

damn u ace! damn u to hell!

goes all Zelda on Ace!


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## Silence (Sep 22, 2005)

acestro said:


> Well, as per PinK's request, here's the joke thread (farts too, sorry NJ)
> 
> First joke:
> 
> ...


Poor muscular Black Lab and Golden Retriever







, they are adorable. Here the Dark Side gives them a far better one, they both may take turn.


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave.

His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and
bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter
like you were supposed to?"

"Hibernate? sh*t Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/12/weird-fetish.html


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## C0Rey (Jan 7, 2006)

nuff said


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## slckr69 (Feb 21, 2004)

nuff said.


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

C0Rey said:


> haha you deleted my post!!
> 
> damn u ace! damn u to hell!
> 
> goes all Zelda on Ace!


Ima damn dirty ape.


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## slckr69 (Feb 21, 2004)

Silence said:


> Someone deleted my post...


hahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahah silence is a model who eats his sisters cake


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

That's it anymore jokes??


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## C0Rey (Jan 7, 2006)

just pinkaliziouz!

where you been?!??!


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)

why did the chicken cross the road???


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Clean









More jokes, spam in AQHU


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)

For the answer to the question please go here









http://www.chickenjoke.com/


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Holy sh*t Timbz!







That was actually a good read









A lot of members could get smarter just by understanding why all those are funny. I had to look up a few of them!


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)

delete this post please


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## Trigga (Jul 1, 2006)

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)




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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

Trigga said:


> Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
> 
> Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
> 
> ...


























omfg!! hilarious!!

so far the best joke!!!!....here!!


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Awesome joke Trigga


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

Ace i know u have more jokes com'on post them, i will accept pix or vids too


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

You think life is bad...

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.You only get eaten once.It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.


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## Trigga (Jul 1, 2006)

jmax611 said:


> You think life is bad...
> 
> How would you like to be an egg?
> 
> You only get laid once.You only get eaten once.It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.


LMAO

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

and one more

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

http://www.funnies.com/farts.htm
http://www.funnies.com/brocoli.html
http://www.funnies.com/starwars.html


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Awesome stuff. Gotta love that fart link.


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## Guest (Jan 2, 2007)

So a man and woman are laying in bed, talking about sex:

"You are not sticking that in my ear!" she says.

"Why not?"

"What if you cum in my ear and I go deaf!" she replies.

"Well Ive been cumming in your mouth for years and that hasnt shut ya up"

Naughty tonight, Dannyboy is.


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."


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## Guest (Jan 2, 2007)

^


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## moron (May 26, 2006)

DannyBoy17 said:


> So a man and woman are laying in bed, talking about sex:
> 
> "You are not sticking that in my ear!" she says.
> 
> ...


lol....

hold on I got one

One day in a happy gay world

there was a guy..................I suck at this


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

jmax611 said:


> http://www.funnies.com/farts.htm
> http://www.funnies.com/brocoli.html
> http://www.funnies.com/starwars.html












very funny!


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Geez, this thread erupted within 10 minutes of me posting!









Keep it going folks!


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

Jim99 said:


> So a man and woman are laying in bed, talking about sex:
> 
> "You are not sticking that in my ear!" she says.
> 
> ...


[/quote]

lol


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Those are two awesome jokes dude!









/is happy to see thread kicking ass again :laugh:


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

ACE I THOUGHT YOU COULD INSERT THIS IN THE POOP PAGES LOL
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Perfect Dump FTW!!!

Ready for today's "Too much information"?

Change in diet = increase in Perfect Dumps









I'm so ashamed.









Childbirth dump.....


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## Trigga (Jul 1, 2006)

A very snobby woman is sitting in a restaurant, having just finished her clam chowder. As she leans over to reach into her purse for her wallet to pay the waiter, she releases a loud fart that makes everyone turn towards her table. Hoping to blame the flatulent blast on the waiter, she sits up with an air of indignation on her face and shouts: “Stop it!” To which the smart waiter replies, “Of course madam, which way did it go?”


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.

The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11" all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean... my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

So true, comedy works in threes.


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

Dang, yer on a roll!


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## Guest (Jan 3, 2007)




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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks.

So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

jmax is the jokester.

If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

acestro said:


> jmax is the jokester.
> 
> If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


am i not funny anymore?


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

joey said:


> jmax is the jokester.
> 
> If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


am i not funny anymore?
[/quote]


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

PinKragon said:


> jmax is the jokester.
> 
> If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


am i not funny anymore?
[/quote]








[/quote]
are you mocking me?


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

joey said:


> jmax is the jokester.
> 
> If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


am i not funny anymore?
[/quote]








[/quote]
are you mocking me?
[/quote]


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

PinKragon said:


> jmax is the jokester.
> 
> If you want to try for membership, you've already made round table folk laugh.


am i not funny anymore?
[/quote]








[/quote]
are you mocking me?
[/quote]









[/quote]







she loves me so much she mocks me


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

jmax611 said:


> In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
> 
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.










everyone in my office is lookin at me


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)




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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sh*t?"


----------



## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.


----------



## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life",
by Bill Clinton.

One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over three hours to read
Clinton: Over three hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinto n: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.


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## Trigga (Jul 1, 2006)

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

and

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

Trigga said:


> John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.
> 
> While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
> 
> ...


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

theres a guy sitting on a stoop in brooklyn, and his friend walks by as he is cringing and making wierd noises
he says horace whats the matter
horace replies..umm hmmm ahrgggg ahhhhhh ah i sh*t my pants
his friend sasy horace if you sh*t your oants why dont you go inside, 
horace replies, hmmm agggrhhh cause im not ahhhhyh finished yet

theres a drunk guy at a bar, and he pukes all over himself, he then says in dismay how his wife is gonna kill him, 
so the barkeep says to him, when i used to do that, id slip a twenty in my pocket and say someone else did.
so the patron goes home and tells his wife the story, and she replies, but theres 40$ here, so the man says, oh ya he sh*t my pants to

a guy gets pulled over and the officer asks him if he knows why, the man says i have no clue
the cop then tells him he was doing 80 in a 55.
he says officer i was only keeping up with traffic.
his wife then yells out, thats not true you nwere doing like 90 the whole time,
he then turns to his wife and says shut the f*ck up you stupid bitch.
the officer then says and i see you dont have your seat belt fastend, 
the man says, well when you pulled me over i undid it so i could get you my wallet, 
the wife says that not true you didnt have it buckled at all
he turns to her and yells you fuckin bitch shut the f*ck up
so then the cop walks over to her and asks, does he always talk to you like tha, and shes says, no only when hes drunk


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## joey'd (Oct 26, 2005)

how come there arent any puerto ricans on star trek.....
cause they aint working in the futur either

how do you ditch ajewsih cop....'
drive through a toll both


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

joey said:


> a guy gets pulled over and the officer asks him if he knows why, the man says i have no clue
> the cop then tells him he was doing 80 in a 55.
> he says officer i was only keeping up with traffic.
> his wife then yells out, thats not true you nwere doing like 90 the whole time,
> ...










good one


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"


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## MONGO  (Feb 7, 2006)

jmax611 said:


> One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
> 
> "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
> 
> The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"










I would never let a guy named bubba mow my lawn and especially wont let him take a piss while im shaving


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## Gear Wiz (Nov 17, 2006)

This little boy goes up to his dad and asks, "what is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it to you this way...I'm the head of the family so lets call me...Capitalism."

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household so we'll call her "Government." We're here to take YOUR needs, son, so we'll call you "The People." The nanny, well, she works hard all day so we'll call her "The working class."

And your baby brother.... well we'll call him "the future." Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his father has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes into his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the boy says to his father, "Dad I think I understand politics now."

The father says "good son, now in your own words tell me what you think politics is."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep; the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he
was about to remove the blindfold from his wife,the telephone rang. He made
her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to
answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she
seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her
ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for
another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her
freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was
the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At
this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy
Birthday"!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."


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## moron (May 26, 2006)

one day, a guy named jim and a women named pink got married. the end


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## Gear Wiz (Nov 17, 2006)

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
------------------------------------------------
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Is that true


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## PinKragon (Dec 28, 2005)

all of the jokes are relly funny... i so enjoy reading them... they give me a good laugh!!


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## moron (May 26, 2006)

PinKragon said:


> all of the jokes are relly funny... i so enjoy reading them... they give me a good laugh!!


did you read mine


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Ghosts Of The White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

White House 2008

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away..

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don 't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went 
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying 
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

I farted.


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## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

oldie but goodie


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## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Your mom's so fat, when she dances the band skips.

Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.

Your mother's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Your mother's so fat, you could slap her butt and ride the waves.

Your mother's so fat, she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Your mother's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.

Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!

Your mom's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling, "Free Willie!"

Your mom's so big, she plays marbles with planets.

Your mom's so fat, her belt size is the equator.

Your mom's so fat, she has to buy two airplane tickets.

Your mom's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Your mom's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.

Your mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."

Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Your mom's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Your mom's so big, when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white.

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.

Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Your mothers so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Your mothers so fat, she's on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts eating.

Your mothers so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.

Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.

Your mothers head is so big, it shows up on radar.

Your mothers so fat, when she went to the beach, she was the only one that got a tan.

Your mothers so fat your bath tub has stretch marks.

Your mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

Your mothers so fat, she got a run in her jeans.

Your mothers so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.

Your mothers so fat, she sells shade in the summer.

Your mothers so fat, she left the house with high-heels and came back with flip-flops.

Your mothers so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Your mothers so fat, she influences the tides.

Your mothers so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.

Your mothers so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.

Your mothers so fat, she has her own area code.

Your mothers so fat, they got her face on the Crisco can.

Your mothers so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said "Sorry, we don't do live stock."

Yo mama so fat, were in her right now.

Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so fat, every time someone say "Kool Aid" she bust through the wall.

Yo mama so fat, her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama so fat, you have to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot to f*ck her

Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mama so ugly, she went into an hunted house and came out with an application

Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly, that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

Yo mama so ugly, when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!

Yo mama so fat, her nickname is "DAMN"

Yo mama so fat, that she needs a sock for each toe

Yo mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!

Yo mama so slutty, she could suck a golf ball through six feet of garden hose

Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.

Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.

Yo momma is like a bowling ball she gets three fingers, thrown in the gutter, and comes back for more.


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

> Your mothers so fat, she sells shade in the summer.


that ones classic


----------



## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

Yo mama so ugly, when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!


----------



## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

highlight it then click wrap in quote tags


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## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

jmax611 said:


> highlight it then click wrap in quote tags


^thinks


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## Geis (Jan 16, 2007)

^ me thinks you meant thanks


----------



## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

50 Years

See what 50 years will do:

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jason has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.


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## acestro (Jul 7, 2003)

It's just too true to be funny.


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"


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## C0Rey (Jan 7, 2006)




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## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

^:laugh:















^


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## FohDatAss (Oct 7, 2003)

why did the Blueberry fall from the tree?


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

mR. Blueberry said:


> why did the Blueberry fall from the tree?


why?

Brand New Member

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my finance is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..."Look at this, still in the CRATE!"


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

Arab Interview

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too

Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!


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## wabash420 (Feb 27, 2007)

^lol lol lol


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## jmax611 (Aug 6, 2006)

:nice:


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